Families First Newsletter

Free Sample Parent Coaching Session

Upcoming TeleClasses

Take these classes from the comfort of home! You'll join other parents, via telephone, for parenting tips and a lively discussion all while sitting in your favorite armchair! There's no need to waste time driving to classes when you can participate from home in a "teleclass."

ìFive Practical Steps for Boosting Your Childís Self-Esteemî While self-esteem is a complex matter, this class will provide practical suggestions on helping your child feel confident and capable. Concrete tools that will help your child grow stronger in five areas will be provided. Tues., Aug. 16, 7:00-8:15 p.m. CT, 8:00 - 9:15 p.m. ET ($25) To register: Send an e-mail to toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com or call 612-810-8687 with any questions.

ìOverscheduled? Take Action to Improve Your Work/Family Balanceî
Feeling torn in many different directions? Ever riddled by guilt? Rarely have time for yourself? This two-part session will help you examine your life and how happy you are with your current choices. Tools for assessing balance will be provided along with steps you can take to live the life you want! JUST $49 for both sessions, a $49 savings! This "class" will be done privately, so you can register at your convenience. To register: Send an e-mail to toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com or call 612-810-8687 with any questions.

IN-PERSON CLASSES

"How to Win the Chore Wars and Find Peace in the Family" Ever have problems with you children doing chores? This 60-minute class will give you tips on how to motivate your kids, how to make it fun and how to keep your plan working! Recent research has uncovered that one of the most important indicators of your child's success as a young adult is whether they participated in household chores! Participate in this class to get your child's feet on the path to success and enjoy the benefits of a cleaner home! Wed., Aug. 10, Noon to 1 p.m., Working Family Resource Center, 325 Cedar St., St. Paul, MN. To register, call 651-293-5330.

Parent-to-Parent

What's the name of a parenting book, website or article that you've enjoyed? Please share your thoughts with other parents! Please include the name of the book, the author, and the year it was published. Also, include what you liked about the book.

"I like two things about "Living with the Active Alert Child." Number one, it seemed to give an accurate account of the behaviors and actions I see in my son like no other book has. Number two, it says realistically, here's a temperament that's challenging. It's just part of their personality and you need to be aware of it.

This book doesn't pretend to have all of the answers. It says there are some things that may or may not work, but you're not alone. Here's how they describe the temperament: a high energy person who is intrinsically kinesthetic, who has high intelligence but doesn't see the world the way that others do. They have difficulty shutting out the world that provides them with stimulation so winding down to sleep is hard. They also challenge all of the time. They believe they are equal to adults and they will debate and debate and debate.

Some of the pointers that I found helpful were recognizing that these kids have a need to move. They have kinesthetic needs that are ingrained. So, you can't just tell them to stop moving and expect that they will. You have to seek out opportunities to let them blow off some energy. For instance, after four hours of exercise my son is just beginning to tire out. Also, when they are really tired they'll get even more hyper and wound up and can't or won't shut the world out. As parents, we try to recognize when he's getting too revved up and leave time for a long wind down period.

A point that made my jaw drop is that they won't grow out of this and that the teen years will be even more challenging.

I think that the best advice is that they don't need fixing and it's my job to be even-keeled and see those times that I need to intervene." Cushing Hamlen

"Living with the Active Alert Child: Groundbreaking Strategies for Parents" by Linda Budd

Distribution Rights

Families First Coaching Newsletter is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or
distribute it to others as long as you acknowledge familiesfirstcoaching.com as the source of the information. However, you may not copy it to a web site.
Republication, and distribution, of Families First Coaching Newsletter in print is encouraged and permitted as long as the issue is printed in its entirety and includes the contact information.


	Table of Contents- August, 2005 Feature Article- "Are You Overindulging Your Child?" Parent-to Parent- Lying/Pets A Good Read- "Living with the Active Alert Child" Free Time- "Backyard Camping" Positive Discipline Methods- Offer Choices Upcoming Classes
	Free Sample Parent Coaching Session If you'd like to know more about me and give parent coaching a try, just e-mail me at: toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com or give me a call at 612-810-8687 and we can schedule a free sample session. During this time, we'll get acquainted and you can share the topics you might like to cover with a parent coach. Together, we can figure out if parent coaching would be helpful to meet the needs of your family. Toni is proud to be an Alliance Coach with: Check out the website at www.unlimitedgrowthpotential.com

	Are You Overindulging Your Child? Ever wonder if you're giving your child too much? Giving in too often? Or doing too much for your child? This month, I had the honor of meeting Jean Illsley Clarke, an internationally known parent educator and author of over 20 books including "How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children from Toddlers to Teens." Clarke and her colleagues, Connie Dawson and David Bredehoft conducted three separate research studies since 1996 that are the basis for the "How Much is Enough" book they co-wrote. I've asked Clarke to share some of the key points from their research that can help guide parents on the important topic of overindulgence. Q. Let's start by defining what you mean by "overindulgence?" A. The definition we use in the book is this: "Overindulgence is giving too much of what looks good, too soon, too long. It is giving them things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age or their interests and talents. It is the process of giving things to children to meet the adult's needs, not the child's. Overindulgence is giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children in a way that appears to meet the children's needs but does not, so children experience scarcity in the midst of plenty. Overindulgence is doing or having so much of something that it does active harm, or at least prevents a person from developing and deprives that person of achieving his or her full potential. Overindulgence is a form of child neglect. It hinders children from performing their needed developmental tasks, and from learning necessary life lessons." (Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft, 2004, p. xvii) Q. In the book, you say that overindulgence springs from the needs of the parents. What do you mean by that? A. That is what our research told us. We actually found 36 different reasons why parents overindulge their children. It's very idiosyncratic. It may be that "I want the kids to make me look good." or "I didn't have it so I want my kids to have it." or some parents don't understand child development so they don't know that something is inappropriate for a child's age. Guilt, a quick fix for whining, making a child happy and fear of a child's anger are among some of the other reasons. Q. You state that there are three types of overindulgence and that each causes pain to a child. Please elaborate. A. The first type is "too much" which relates to having too many things. The pain is best summarized by a participant in the study who said, "I am if I get. I have to get to be sure that I am alive." Examples of this may be that a child with too many toys is disrespectful of another child's toys. An adult who had too many clothes as a child doesn't take care of them, may only wear them once and may max out their credit cards. As adults, the outcome of having too much food, too many activities or too many clothes can be to end up fat, in debt and depressed. The second type is "over-nurture" in which the parent says "I'll do it for you" and gives too much attention. The pain that it causes is the pain of incompetence and a lack of skills. The internal message that "I am capable" becomes "You're not capable." and "I don't have to do it. They do it for me." It causes trained helplessness and self-esteem suffers greatly. The third type is "soft structure" which means there are no rules or if there are, you don't have to follow them. The pain that it causes is embarrassment, a lack of competence, inability to keep a job and an impact on close relationships. They will lack boundaries and have an overblown sense of entitlement. Chores for children are critical in this area. There are two outcomes from this. The first is subtle. Without chores, children don't feel like part of the family and they need to know that they are contributing members of the family. The second is that they need to learn the skills that chores teach and the process of how a job gets done, so they can later apply them to the work world. Q. How can a parent identify if they are overindulging a child? A. In all three areas, the child will believe that they are the center of the universe, they expect immediate gratification and they have an overblown sense of entitlement. A child may be overindulged in one of the areas outlined above or in all three. In the book, we provide four clues that help parents. 1) Does this decision get in the way of the developmental task that my child is facing? 2) Does this decision take a disproportionate amount of family resources such as money, time and energy? 3) Whose needs are being met by this decision? The child's or the parent's? Am I projecting? 4) Is there any possible harm to the environment? To other people? To the community? We also have a tool in the book called "The Nurture/Structure Highway" that can help parents evaluate their decisions. Q. What was the most surprising result of the studies? A. The secrecy of this problem. Also, the incredible pain that it causes.A Q. What percentage of U.S. kids are overindulged? A. I don't have percentages, but it feels prevalaent to me because it is. Because of the secrecy, we don't have the numbers of how many people have been affected by it. Q. At what point did our society shift to overindulgence? A. When we shifted from a producer society to a consumer society and the marketing influences became so prevalent. I have no data on this, but that is my observation. Parents don't realize the impact of marketing on their children. The marketing is so sophisticated and ever-present. A 2-year- old will see between 200 and 300 marketing messages a week. Six billion dollars a year is spent on marketing to children and the marketing messages create fear, doubt, uncertainty and the message that if I don't have this, I'm not OK." Editor's Note: The book can be purchased on www.overindulgence.info.

	Positive Discipline Options Each month a positive discipline option is offered. Collect them all and expand your repertoire! Definition: The word "discipline" is from the root word "disciple" which means "one who teaches." The essence of discipline, therefore, is to provide a learning experience for the child to grow. (Provided by Dave Hudson) Offer Choices Whenever appropriate, give children a choice between two acceptable options. Giving a child a choice often prevents power struggles because the child feels like they have some control over the outcome. When using choices as a "discipline" tool you pick two options that are equally acceptable to you, but by offering two options the process feels more "democratic" to the child and less authoritarian. Here are a few examples: Would you like to do your chore before or after school today?; Would you like to do your math homework first or spelling?;You can play with that noisy toy in your room or downstairs, but not here. It should be noted that children may not like either choice. You can firmly repeat their options and tell them if they don't pick one, that you'll decide for them. Or if they offer a third option that's acceptable to you, you can accept their "counteroffer."

	Upcoming TeleClasses Take these classes from the comfort of home! You'll join other parents, via telephone, for parenting tips and a lively discussion all while sitting in your favorite armchair! There's no need to waste time driving to classes when you can participate from home in a "teleclass." ìFive Practical Steps for Boosting Your Childís Self-Esteemî While self-esteem is a complex matter, this class will provide practical suggestions on helping your child feel confident and capable. Concrete tools that will help your child grow stronger in five areas will be provided. Tues., Aug. 16, 7:00-8:15 p.m. CT, 8:00 - 9:15 p.m. ET ($25) To register: Send an e-mail to toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com or call 612-810-8687 with any questions. ìOverscheduled? Take Action to Improve Your Work/Family Balanceî Feeling torn in many different directions? Ever riddled by guilt? Rarely have time for yourself? This two-part session will help you examine your life and how happy you are with your current choices. Tools for assessing balance will be provided along with steps you can take to live the life you want! JUST $49 for both sessions, a $49 savings! This "class" will be done privately, so you can register at your convenience. To register: Send an e-mail to toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com or call 612-810-8687 with any questions. IN-PERSON CLASSES "How to Win the Chore Wars and Find Peace in the Family" Ever have problems with you children doing chores? This 60-minute class will give you tips on how to motivate your kids, how to make it fun and how to keep your plan working! Recent research has uncovered that one of the most important indicators of your child's success as a young adult is whether they participated in household chores! Participate in this class to get your child's feet on the path to success and enjoy the benefits of a cleaner home! Wed., Aug. 10, Noon to 1 p.m., Working Family Resource Center, 325 Cedar St., St. Paul, MN. To register, call 651-293-5330.

	Parent-to-Parent This is a place for parents to exchange ideas. Would you like to get ideas from other parents about a parenting concern? Do you have good ideas that might help another parent? Feel free to contribute!! For Sept.:Q. My kids are bugging me for a pet. Any advice on bringing a new pet into the family? T.K. Readers, give us your ideas!! How have you successfully handled this problem? Just send your responses to:news@familiesfirstcoaching.com. I'll share your suggestions next month. Feel free to pose a question, too!! From Last Month: : Q. My 8-year-old has started to lie more often and I'm really saddened by it. How do others approach this thorny subject? D.L. Readers responded with these ideas: "I have 2 boys, ages 7 and 9 1/2. I also have noticed that children do experiment with telling lies as they grow older. When this happens, we talk about it very honestly and openly. I don't water it down, like: Did you fib? or Were you mixed up? We use words like "That doesn't fit with our family values" or "We're Christians, and we choose to be honest people." We also try not to overeact, since this seems to be a normal stage of experimentation. We guide our child to "correct" whatever the lie was, and we might punish with a time out period or a withdrawal of a privilege. We hope that we can continue to develop our children's "Moral Barometer" as Stephen Covey points out in one of his books: "The Seven Habits of Highly Successful Families". Another good read for us has been: "The Discipline Book - How to have a better-behaved child from birth to age ten" by Sears and Sears. They offer pages about lying in their chapter: Morals and Manners. " Submitted By: Janice Kern, former teacher for 12 years " I try to find out the reason behind the lie first. Are they scared? Are they failing a class? Do they think they'll be punished? And then we can work backwards from there. If I come at it that way, I find that they usually end up telling the truth in the end because we're problem-solving together." B.T. "I call a spade a spade. I hate lying and so I ask my kids if they're telling me the truth? I tell them if they're lying to me that they'll receive two punishments rather than one. I tell them that lying breaks down trust and that trust is a hard thing to build up again once it's been broken. They usually end up confessing to what's happened and then I tell them that I'm very proud of them for telling me the truth." A. S.

	A Good Read What's the name of a parenting book, website or article that you've enjoyed? Please share your thoughts with other parents! Please include the name of the book, the author, and the year it was published. Also, include what you liked about the book. "I like two things about "Living with the Active Alert Child." Number one, it seemed to give an accurate account of the behaviors and actions I see in my son like no other book has. Number two, it says realistically, here's a temperament that's challenging. It's just part of their personality and you need to be aware of it. This book doesn't pretend to have all of the answers. It says there are some things that may or may not work, but you're not alone. Here's how they describe the temperament: a high energy person who is intrinsically kinesthetic, who has high intelligence but doesn't see the world the way that others do. They have difficulty shutting out the world that provides them with stimulation so winding down to sleep is hard. They also challenge all of the time. They believe they are equal to adults and they will debate and debate and debate. Some of the pointers that I found helpful were recognizing that these kids have a need to move. They have kinesthetic needs that are ingrained. So, you can't just tell them to stop moving and expect that they will. You have to seek out opportunities to let them blow off some energy. For instance, after four hours of exercise my son is just beginning to tire out. Also, when they are really tired they'll get even more hyper and wound up and can't or won't shut the world out. As parents, we try to recognize when he's getting too revved up and leave time for a long wind down period. A point that made my jaw drop is that they won't grow out of this and that the teen years will be even more challenging. I think that the best advice is that they don't need fixing and it's my job to be even-keeled and see those times that I need to intervene." Cushing Hamlen "Living with the Active Alert Child: Groundbreaking Strategies for Parents" by Linda Budd

	*"Free" Time!* What does your family do for fun that doesn't cost a lot of money?? Let's share some ideas!! Backyard Camp Out "We had a father daughter backyard camp out with some neighbors. We went swimming first and then set up five tents. We grilled our dinner, made smores with the remaining coals, told scary stories and did some star gazing. The girls had a blast and some of the neighborhood dads got a chance to get acquainted, so it was really fun for everyone."G. S.

	Toni Schutta, Publisher, Families First Coaching Newsletter Toni Schutta is a Parent Coach with a Master's Degree in Psychology and 11 years experience working with children and families. She's also the mother of two wonderful children, a Licensed Psychologist, a certified graduate of the Mentor Coach Foundations Program and a member of the International Coach Federation. Families First Coaching is an organization devoted to building strong families by empowering parents with practical information, easy-to-use tools and helpful resources that will help you be the best parent possible. Individual parent coaching sessions are available along with parent-to-parent support groups and parent education classes. Check out the website at http://www.familiesfirstcoaching.com for a complete list of services.

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	Distribution Rights Families First Coaching Newsletter is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to others as long as you acknowledge familiesfirstcoaching.com as the source of the information. However, you may not copy it to a web site. Republication, and distribution, of Families First Coaching Newsletter in print is encouraged and permitted as long as the issue is printed in its entirety and includes the contact information. Copyright 2004 Families First Coaching.