Free Sample Parent Coaching Session

If you'd like to know more about me and give parent coaching a try, just e-mail me at toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com or give me a call at 612-810-8687 and we can schedule a free sample session. During this time, we'll get acquainted and you can share the topics you might like to cover with a parent coach. Together, we can figure out if parent coaching would be helpful to meet the needs of your family.

Are Your Children Overscheduled?

Some parents and professionals have begun to question whether the current flurry of organized activities for children is good for them.  The concerns are coming from a number of fronts—mental health professionals who see an increase in anxiety-related disorders, coaches who see kids burning out by the teen years, parents who are tired and overextended, and family science researchers who are beginning to see fall-out from the flurry.

What Iπd like to do in this monthπs column is to outline some of the concerns that professionals are raising and offer you several methods of examining the dynamics in your family.

One of the leading advocates of limiting kidsπ activities is Dr. William Doherty, head of the Family Social Science Department at the University of Minnesota.  Doherty wants to remind parents that the number one factor in keeping children emotionally healthy, drug and alcohol free and out of trouble is the amount of time that they spend with their families.  Dohertyπs web-site (puttingfamilyfirst.org) documents studies that show sharp declines in the number of conversations that children have with family members, the number of family dinners people share, and the lack of free time that families have for connecting.

While activities can help your children develop skills, make friends, have fun, and potentially increase self-esteem, Doherty and others recommend that each child be involved in no more than one or two activities at a time.

≥A warm and limit-setting family is the most important element for kids and that requires a lot of time, time not spent running around.  Children need time to daydream, to chill out.  Weπve reversed it all,≤ Doherty says in the April, 2004 issue of Better Homes and Gardens.

Other professionals question how a childπs creativity, imagination and ability to be self-starters are being affected by so many structured, adult-led activities.

Some professionals also note that kids are burning out, emotionally and physically.

For instance, if a child starts playing basketball at a young age, s/he will have played between 300 and 500 games by the time theyπre 14, according to Bob Bigelow, author of the book Just Let the Kids Play.  ≥Research shows that 70 percent (of kids) abandon their predominant sport by age 13, ≥Bigelow is quoted as saying in the May, 2004 issue of Minnesota Parent. It seems that this is precisely the age that sports would be most beneficial for kids.

One psychologist, Dr. Georgia Witkin, from the Mount Sinai Medical Center Stress Program, said that children are not necessarily stressed by the number of activities that theyπre in, but rather from the amount of stress that parents are experiencing by orchestrating these activities.  This stress then transfers down to the children, making parents more irritable, more tense, and more preoccupied.

≥Tension is passed from parent to child and from child back to parents, and it quickly becomes a negative spiral,≤ Dr. K. Mark Sossin, associate professor of psychology at Pace University, is quoted as saying in the Feb., 2004 issue of Parents.

So what are some tools that you can use to guide your decisions about activities for your child(ren)?

First of all, examine your own stress level.

• Are you frazzled? How much time each day do you relax?
• Do you pursue a hobby or interest of your own?
• Are you getting adequate sleep?
• Are you resentful that activities eat up so much time?
• Are you short-tempered with your children?
• Do you feel pressure that your child should excel at something?
• Secondly, examine your childπs level of stress:
• Does your child seem irritable?
• Are there frequent headaches?
• Are there inexplicable stomachaches?
• Does s/he appear fatigued?
• Have there been significant increases or decreases in appetite?
• Is there any difficulty getting to sleep?
• Do they appear anxious or have nervous habits?
• Is there excessive whining?
  
  

Also, take the Family Balance Exercise on my website: familiesfirstcoaching.com.  Doing this will help you examine the big picture.  After rating 10 areas of your family life, you can examine what areas that youπre happy with and which areas you can improve to obtain more balance.  (Go to familiesfirstcoaching.com, click on Parenting Tips and Resources, then in the first paragraph of the Work/Family Balance article, press "click here to participate.")

Take a quiz called "Is Your Child Over-Scheduled?" The quiz was created by Alvin Rosenfeld, M.D. and Nicole Wise, authors of The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap.  Itπs available on-line at www.ivillage.com, click on Quizzes, then Happy, Healthy Kids, then Is Your Child Over-Scheduled?
 
Another quiz, available on-line, may also be helpful.  Itπs called ≥Is Your Family Too Stressed?≤ (www.bhg.com, click on Family, then Family Dynamics, then Quizzes and Is Your Family Too Stressed?) The quiz takes awhile, but the analysis gives some helpful tips.


In summary, take time to look at the big picture.  What are your values as a family?  What are your priorities based on those family values?  How balanced are your lives? Take a look at your stress level, and that of your child. Are you spending meaningful time with your children outside of the car?  After looking at these issues, you can make conscious, well-thought-out decisions about whatπs best for your family.

Toni Schutta, Parent Coach

Upcoming Classes

Wed., Aug. 18, 6:30 p.m. - 7:30 p.m. (CST) ≥Boosting Your Childπs Self-Esteem≤ This class will  provide practical suggestions on helping your child feel confident and capable. ($25)
 
Thurs., Sept. 16, 6:30 p.m. - 7:30 p.m. (CST) ≥Relief for Homework Headaches≤ Itπs school time again!! Want to start the school year out on the right foot and avoid those homework headaches?!  Come to ≥school≤ for just one hour and find relief that will last throughout the year!  ($25)
To register: Send an e-mail to: toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com

Parent-to-Parent

This is a place for parents to exchange ideas. Would you like to get ideas from other parents about a parenting concern? Do you have good ideas that might help another parent? Feel free to contribute!!

For Sept: Q. I would like advice on how to help a pre-teen and teen-ager adjust to the addition of a new baby in our family.  N.B.

Readers, give us your ideas!! How have
you successfully handled this problem?
Just send your responses to:
news@familiesfirstcoaching.com. I'll
share your suggestions next month.
Feel free to pose a question, too!!
 
From Last Month: Q. My children misbehave at church. Any suggestions?? A. P.
 
Readers responded with these ideas:
≥I would shop around for a kid-friendly service.  It could be that the service isnπt inviting for children. ≥ S.S
 
≥Sometimes my husband and I rotate weeks we go to church.  One parent stays home with the children and the other parent goes to church alone.  For now, that works for us.≤ A.J.
 
≥I found the book, ≥Parenting in the Pew≤ to be helpful.≤  S.S.
 
≥I have an activity bag thatπs just for church.  Some churches provide these, too. I also bring snacks.≤ A.S.

A Good Read

Whatπs the name of a parenting book, website or article that youπve enjoyed? Please share your thoughts with other parents! Please include the name of the book, the author, and the year it was published. Also, include what you liked about the book.

The best part of Raising Your Spirited Child is the help it gave me in understanding my childπs personality.  It helped me to learn more about myself and my child (Iπm an extrovert and sheπs an introvert.) and to get tips on how to eliminate a lot of frustration for both of us.  I keep it by my bed stand and use it as a reference when Iπm wondering why is she acting this way? I learned that as an introverted child, she may be slow to warm up or need extra time alone.  When she comes home from a social outing, I can help her by giving her time alone, quiet time to relax and waiting before I ask her questions about the event. I encourage anyone who is having trouble understanding their child, to read this book.  It really hit home for me!  Itπs a great, quick and easy read!  A.S. (Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka)

"Free" Time!

Make a Drive-In in the Driveway!


≥We had a lot of fun setting up a drive-in movie at our house.  We put a sheet on the garage as the movie screen, set up an old-time movie projector and watched old home movies with the grandparents.  We set up lawn chairs and made buckets of popcorn and the grandparents shared stories about relatives on the ≥big screen.≤  We had a blast!≤ 

S.H.

Positive Discipline Options

Each month, a different discipline option will be offered. Collect them all and expand your repertoire!

Definition: The word ≥discipline≤ is from the root word ≥disciple≤ which means ≥one who teaches.≤  The essence of discipline, therefore, is to provide a learning experience for the child to grow.
(Provided by Dave Hudson.)

Reward Systems

When a particular behavior has been resistant to change, I find that setting up a reward system frequently helps in turning the behavior around.  Reward systems can take the form of charts with stickers to mark progress, point systems, or tokens given. 
 
So, for instance, if you would like to gain compliance from your child the first time you ask them to do something (instead of the 2nd or third time!) you could give the child 5 points for doing what you ask the first time. Post the tally sheet so the child can see his/her progress. After an agreed upon value (like 200 points) you could let the child pick a prize from the Dollar Store.
 
There are several points that help ensure success if you choose this method.

• Involve the child in determining what the reward will be.
• Discuss the terms of the contract with the child before beginning.
• Post the chart.
• Note every success on the chart.
• Follow through with your end of the bargain.
• Stick with it. After 2-3 weeks of solid compliance, give only random rewards (think of a slot machine)
  
  

This helps to maintain compliance because they never know when the reward will come.
 
After 5-6 weeks, the behavior should be back on the right track and you can work on the next challenge that crops up!

Toni

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Copyright 2004 Families First Coaching.