“Free” Time What does your family do for fun that doesn’t cost a lot of money?? Let's share some ideas!! “We've started reading a book together as a family that we're all interested in. We take turns reading aloud to each other. We build a fire and snuggle and read out loud.   It's lovely. The girls like historical series like the American Doll series that are very true to the times.  The factual, but fiction, books like Little House on the Prairie are fun, or the CaddieWoodlawn books have been enjoyable, too" S.Z. Food  For Thought- A Parenting Column by Toni  Schutta, Parent Coach   "Let a Family Mission Statement Guide You"   Certainly the holidays are hectic, but they can also serve as a time of reflection. With the dawn of a new year, we have opportunities to make plan-ful choices about our priorities.  I'd like to offer you and your family a tool that can serve as a helpful compass.   The tool is one that every successful business utilizes.  It's a tool that takes a lot of thought and input from every member of the team.  It's a tool that guides the company in every transaction it makes and serves as a beacon to lead the group forward.  The tool I'm talking about is a mission statement.   In his book, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families," Stephen Covey recommends that a family mission statement is something that no family can leave home without!   "For the most part, families don't have the kind of mission statement so critical to organizational success," Covey says. " Yet, family is the most important, fundamental organization in the world."*   Covey uses the analogy of a plane taking off without a flight plan.  If a pilot doesn't chart the course, it's unlikely the plane and passengers will get where they want to go.    The same holds true with a family.  Without a flight plan, a family will be more "re-active" to events than "pro-active."  In today's world there are many forces that converge to pull families apart -- demands at work, a plethora of children's activities, divorce, the magnetism of  television and less contact with extended family. So, in today's world we need to work even harder to make, and keep, family a priority.   A family mission statement can be a great place to start.  A family mission statement is an opportunity for you to talk with your family about a shared vision and the values that you believe are most important. After committing your thoughts to paper, you can evaluate choices you make as a family based on your stated values and it will give you the power to say "no" to activities that don't foster the vision of what kind of family you want to be.   Here's how to get started:   1) Gather the family together once a week for several weeks in a row.  At the first meeting, Covey recommends asking the following questions: a)What kind of family do we really want to be?  b) What kind of home would you like to invite your friends to? c) What embarrasses you about our family? d) What makes you feel comfortable here? e) What makes you want to come home? f) What makes you feel drawn to us as parents so that you are open to our influence? g) What makes us feel open to your influence? h) What do we want to be remembered by?* Listen respectfully as each person contributes their thoughts.  Take notes.   2) As a homework assignment, have each person write down their idea of what the most important parts of being a family are? (You can help younger children write down their thoughts.) Share the statements at your next gathering.   3) Provide the family with a list of values and have them rank them 1-5 in terms of importance.  Values such as honesty, kindness, spirituality, loyalty, integrity, love/family, fun, humor, hard work and helping others could be included in your list.  Sort through which values are common to several people.  Use these as the basis for drafting a mission statement. Assign one person to develop the draft.   4) Share the rough draft with all family members.  Now you're ready to decide what format would be best to represent your goals?  Would a song be best? Or a poem? A single phrase? A motto?  Create it together.   5) Post the words of your family mission statement in a prominent place.   Here are a few examples:   To a song: "We Work.  We Play. We love each other every day.  Cuz we are family.  We are family."   A single phrase: "Love will lead our deeds."   Another example: "As a family, we love each other, use kind words and encourage each other to follow our dreams. We put family first. We're honest and don't keep secrets from each other.  We have fun together, playing games, eating good food, going places together and taking fun vacations. We help each other and other people.  We're fair and don't judge others.  We try hard and don't give up."   The process of developing this statement is almost as important as the outcome.  All family members will feel valued and you'll share a deeper bond as you chart the course you want your family to take.   But don't just shelve this once you've developed it.  Post it in a prominent place.  Carry copies in your wallet. Refer back to it when you're making important decisions.  Use it to teach children lessons. Act on the principles you've stated.   * Excerpts from "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families," by Stephen Covey, 1997, Golden Books Publishing."

Table of Contents- December, 2004/ January, 2005 Issue Feature Article- "Let a Family Mission Statement Guide You" Parent-to Parent Q & A- Picky Eaters/Sharing A Good Read- “Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise and Other Bribes" Free Time- " A Family Book” Positive Discipline Methods- "Removing the Stimulus" Upcoming Classes

Free Sample Parent Coaching Session   If you'd like to know more about me and give parent coaching a try, just e-mail me at toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com or give me a call at 612-810-8687 and we can schedule a free sample session. During this time, we'll get acquainted and you can share the topics you might like to cover with a parent coach. Together, we can figure out if parent coaching would be helpful to meet the needs of your family.

Parent-to-Parent This is a place for parents to exchange ideas. Would you like to get ideas from other parents about a parenting concern? Do you have good ideas that might help another parent? Feel free to contribute!!   For Feb.: Q. My kids have a tough time sharing.  I'd like some tips.  B.D.   Readers, give us your ideas!! How have you successfully handled this problem? Just send your responses to: news@familiesfirstcoaching.com. I'll share your suggestions next month.Feel free to pose a question, too!!   From Last Month: Q. One of my children doesn’t like to eat what the rest of us do at mealtime.  Should I make him eat the meal I’m serving or prepare something else for him?  K.J.   Readers responded with these ideas: “ My son is also a picky eater--as I was at this age, so I sympathize with him.  I strongly believe that trying to force kids to eat things they don't want to eat sets up a bad relationship with food (and with you!).  Our agreement is that two nights a week, he gets to choose from a menu of about 5 simple-to-prepare things he likes.  I may end up serving that to the rest of us, but usually it means I do prepare separate meals.  On the other nights, if he doesn't want what we're having, he is free to have yogurt, fruit, cereal, etc. A.K.   "I always include at least one food that I know each child will like.  If they want to eat just one item that night, it's fine with me because I know that they've also had a decent breakfast or lunch that day." J.D.   "I make dinners that can be kid-friendly and adult-friendly.  For instance, my kids don't eat meat, so when I make tacos, they can have one without the meat. Or when I make spagetti, they don't eat the sauce, but they like butter and parmesan cheese on their noodles.  That way, everyone is happy at meal time."  T.B.

A Good Read What's the name of a parenting book, website or article that you've enjoyed? Please share your insights with other parents! Include the name of the book, the author, and the year it was published. Also explain what you liked about the book.   “A book I highly recommend to other parents is Alfie Kohn's "Punished by Rewards:  The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise and Other Bribes (Houghton, Mifflin, 1993/1999)  The book deals with why Kohn views rewards (including praise) and punishment (including time out) as two sides of the same nasty coin, and the ways in which rewards are destructive in parenting and in the classroom (as well as in management).   Kohn, a noted educator and author, is an outspoken advocate for respecting and listening to children.  He questions the need for adults to control children's behavior, but he also takes pains to show that rewards don't even work to exert that control.   In Punished by Rewards, Kohn cites volumes of research showing that rewards only produce temporary compliance.  Not only that, they can backfire, actually discouraging desired behavior in the long term.  The possibility of not receiving a reward is in actuality a threat of punishment, and people (including children) with this hanging over their heads learn to de-value what they are rewarded for doing, and perform less effectively, particularly on creative tasks.   The book is persuasive, funny, and sometimes chilling.  I love the way Kohn passionately argues for his values, and then brings in strong evidence to back it up.  Even if you don't agree that it is always wrong to try to manipulate children's behavior, Punished by Rewards should give you some food for thought about whether you are accomplishing what you want to accomplish when you reward or praise your child.   For articles that feature the main ideas from the book, go to http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/tcags.htm.   A.K.