Feature Article- "Three Ways to Enhance Sibling Relationships"
Parent-to Parent Q & A- Behavior at Church
A Good Read- "Siblings Without Rivalry"
Free Time- Fun at the Library!
Positive Discipline Methods- Offer Choices
Upcoming Classes
If you'd like to know more about me and give parent coaching a try, just e-mail me at toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com or give me a call at 612-810-8687 and we can schedule a free sample session. During this time, we'll get acquainted and you can share the topics you might like to cover with a parent coach. Together, we can figure out if parent coaching would be helpful to meet the needs of your family.
Toni Schutta, Parent Coach
Three Ways to Enhance Sibling Relationships
"Mom, how come there's a Mother's Day and a Father's Day, but there isn't a Sister's Day?" my four-year-old daughter said to me one day. I said, "That's a good question! Would you like to have a Sister's Day?" "YES!!!!" she responded with gusto.
So from the mouth of a babe, a "Sister's Day" celebration was born! We held our first annual Sister's Day recently with great success and I'd like to offer the idea of a "Sibling's Day," or "Brother's Day" or "Sister's Day" for you and your family.
The whole idea of holidays like Mother's Day is to set aside time to honor the person with special recognition, to spend time with that person and to offer kind words that acknowledge their importance. Siblings, of all family members, could probably benefit most from this! So why not offer an opportunity for your children to honor each other?
If you decide to proceed, consider the following guidelines:
- Have the children share their vision of the day.
- Brainstorm activities that would be fun.
- Make sure that each child's ideas are
incorporated into the final celebration.
- Keep the fun to half a day.
- Decide whether cards, food and presents will be part of the recognition.
- Be flexible.
Expect that emotions (positive and negative) may be amplified that day. Just let the children know that if a problem arises that day, it's just fine, because working together, you can solve any problem!
I came across another wonderful idea one time in "Family Fun" magazine. Lynne Ticknor had written an article called, "The Special Plate" for the "My Great Idea" column.
In the article, Lynn said that her sons' name-calling, disrespect, pushing, shoving and squabbling was driving her crazy. In a parenting class, she learned of an idea called the "Special Plate" and she decided to try it.
Here's how it works. Each night at dinner one person receives an honorary plate that looks different from the rest. During the meal, each family member takes turns saying something that he or she appreciates about the other person. The person can offer a specific example like "I really liked it when you played Uno with me today" or it can be a more global compliment like, "I think that you're really funny and I like it when you make me laugh."
Every person in the family gets a turn (even parents need compliments!) and then you just rotate the honors! The author noted that there is less sibling rivalry and as an added bonus, it improved her relationship with her spouse!
Lastly, I'd like to offer a specific idea from the "Siblings Without Rivalry" book that's reviewed in the newsletter this month.
The authors, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, note that inadvertently, parents contribute to hostility between siblings by comparing them to one another. They caution that both favorable and unfavorable comparisons add fuel to the fire.
A "favorable" comparison like "You're so organized! I wish your sister was more like you!" gives the sibling you're complimenting a one-up position and in effect, downgrades the other sibling. Instead, you could state the compliment, "You're so organized!" without making any reference to a sibling who's not.
Likewise, an unfavorable comparison like "Your brother always practices his trumpet without me nagging him. Why can't you?" will only increase negative feelings toward the other sibling who is seen as the favored child in that example. Instead, simply state what the problem is, "You didn't practice your trumpet today" and work toward a solution such as "I'd like you to make a schedule of when you're going to practice this week."
Monitoring (and curtailing) your use of sibling comparisons will keep the focus on the behavior, rather than on the other sibling, which is where you want it to be anyway!
Toni Schutta, Parent Coach
Wed., July 14, 6:30 p.m. - 7:30 p.m. (CST) "How to Win the Chore Wars and Find Peace in the Family"
Recent research has uncovered that one of the most important predictors of your childıs success as a young adult is whether they participated in household chores! Participate in this class to get your childıs feet on the path to success and enjoy the benefits of a cleaner home!! ($25)
Wed., July 21, 6:30 p.m. - 7:30 p.m. (CST) "Are You Listening: Five Great Ways to Foster Compliance and Understanding with Your Child" Do you ever find yourself repeating the same request over and over? Do you sometimes find yourself listening half-heartedly to your child while juggling 3 other tasks? Do you long for more meaningful conversations with your child? If you answered YES to any of these questions, then please join this stimulating discussion on ways to fine-tune the conversations you have with your child. ($25)
To register: Send an e-mail to: toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com
This is a place for parents to exchange ideas. Would you like to get ideas from other parents about a parenting concern? Do you have good ideas that might help another parent? Feel free to contribute!!
Q. My children misbehave at church. Any suggestions?? A. P..
Readers, give us your ideas!! How have you successfully handled this problem? Just send your responses to: news@familiesfirstcoaching.com. I'll share your suggestions next month. Feel free to pose a question, too!!
Whatıs the name of a parenting book, website or article that youıve enjoyed? Please share your thoughts with other parents! Please include the name of the book, the author, and the year it was published. Also, include what you liked about the book.
"I was hopeful that the book Siblings Without Rivalry (Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish,1998) would help me put a stop to the annoying bickering that occurred between my children. What I didn't realize was how much insight it would give me into the dynamics of how my childhood affects my parenting. This helped me to understand why I, the baby of my family, tend to stick up for my baby – even though he's no longer a baby! It also reminded me of the importance of cherishing each of my children for their unique qualities. Perhaps most importantly, I learned how to help my children work through their arguments, profound or petty, by themselves – without being hurtful to one another. I love my new freedom from constantly being the referee! As an added bonus, this book is a quick read that uses stories of real people's lives to illustrate the author's points." S.N.
What does your family do for fun that doesn't cost a lot of money?? Let's share some ideas!!
Fun at the Library!
My children love the programs that our libraries offer over the summer. You can see magic shows, jugglers,clowns, ventriloquists, puppet shows, musicians - quite a variety - and all free! They also have reading programs that motivate your child to keep reading while school is out. Kids earn prizes for number of books read or number of minutes spent reading. Again, no cost." KB
Each month, a different discipline option will be offered. Collect them all and expand your repertoire!
Definition: Discipline is a positive approach to guiding the behavior of children so they learn self-control and orderly conduct. Positive discipline, consistently applied, leads to the development of strong character, responsible behavior, personal safety, and high self-esteem.
Offer Choices
Whenever appropriate, give children a choice between two acceptable options. Giving a child a choice often prevents power struggles because the child feels like they have some control over the outcome.
When using choices as a "discipline" tool you pick two options that are equally acceptable to you, but by offering two options the process feels more "democratic" to the child and less authoritarian. Here are a few examples:
- Would you like to do your chore before or after school today?
- Would you like to do your math homework first or spelling?
- You can play with that noisy toy in your room or downstairs, but not here.
It should be noted that children may not like either choice. You can firmly repeat their options and tell them if they don't pick one, that you'll decide for them. Or if they offer a third option that's acceptable to you, you can accept their "counteroffer."
Toni
Toni Schutta is a Parent Coach with a Master's Degree in Psychology and 10 years experience working with children and families. She's also the mother of two wonderful children, a Licensed Psychologist, a certified graduate of the Mentor Coach Foundations Program and a member of the International Coach Federation. Families First Coaching is an organization devoted to building strong families by empowering parents with practical information, easy-to-use tools and helpful resources that will help you be the best parent possible. Individual parent coaching sessions are available along with parent-to-parent support groups and parent education groups. Check out the website at www.familiesfirstcoaching.com for a complete list of services.
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