Upcoming Classes

Keeping Attachment Strong

What makes a good mother? "You don't need to be rich or
smart or talented or funny. You just have to be there."
Psychologist Robert Karen

A friend shared a wonderful story recently in a seminar on
"Smart Parenting." She said that ever since her children were
little, she's set aside special one-on-one time with each of her
children. She made a commitment to do this once a week and
put it on the calendar. As her children became teenagers, this
became harder to do, but yet they persevered.

One time, my friend had an important work commitment that
conflicted with the breakfast date she'd made with her
15-year-old son. When she told him that they'd have to
postpone, he actually got tears in his eyes, even though they
were just postponing the date until the next day.

Wouldn't we all love to have that type of bond with our
children, at any age?

We talk a lot about "attachment" when our children are
young, but then the conversation fades to other topics. I
contend that we must work diligently to make sure our
attachment with our children is ever-growing and ever
deepening. In fact, I believe that keeping attachment strong
is our most critical task.

Attachment is the basis from which discipline, respect,
communication and authority grow. When your attachment
is firmly grounded, the other parenting duties are more likely
to be effective.

Many factors contribute to keeping "attachment" alive as our
children grow. Being emotionally available to our children,
loving them unconditionally, meeting their basic needs, being
consistent in our discipline, being responsive to their pain
and maintaining open communication, to name a few. But I'd
like to go out on a limb and say that one of the most concrete
things that you can do to deepen attachment is to spend
one-on-one "special time" each week with each child.

Why is this so important?

A child is far more likely to reveal intimate feelings to you
when you're alone with them. Itπs highly unlikely that a
child, who may be feeling vulnerable already, will reveal
perceived weaknesses in front of a sibling. But, given time
to let down their guard with a parent, they may let you in on
struggles they wouldn't reveal at the dinner table.

By having your sole attention, the child will feel valued.
You're making a huge statement to them that nothing else
is more important to you.

Your child will treasure this time. Remember when your kids were little and theyπd say "Look at me!"? They still need us to look at them and let them know that they're #1.

In his book, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families"
Stephen Covey talks about an "Emotional Bank Account"
that you can develop with other family members. He says
the Emotional Bank Account "is like a financial account that
can make deposits by proactively doing things that build
trust in the relationship, or you can make withdrawals by
reactively doing things that decrease the level of trust."

Things like being kind, apologizing, not criticizing others,
keeping promises, forgiving and providing unconditional
love, all contribute to the bank account. I'd say that weekly
one-on-one time with each child would contribute a
substantial deposit in the emotional bank account from
which you could leverage things like compliance to your
requests, respect, and honest communication.

Given that attachment is the base from which all other
aspects of parenting flow, I hope you'll consider making this
weekly "investment" that is guaranteed to bring you even
closer to your child.

Here are some guidelines for getting started:

*Start small. You can commit to as little as 15 to 30 minutes a
week.

*Put the special time on the calendar in ink! Try very hard to
keep that commitment.

*Let the child choose how you spend your time together.
The child's inner needs will direct them to choose an activity
that brings them joy. Let the child be the leader for a
change! (Before you get started, feel free to set boundaries
about the activities, such as the amount of time or the cost.)

Toni Schutta, Parent Coach

Parent-to-Parent
This is a place for parents to exchange
ideas. Would you like to get ideas from
other parents about a parenting
concern? Do you have good ideas that
might help another parent? Feel free to
contribute!!

Q. My daughter whines and it drives me crazy! Any suggestions?? M.K.

A. I'll say to my children, "You're using
a whining voice right now that hurts
my ears. I'll answer you when you use
your normal voice." This usually works.
K.S.

A. A mom named Carol recorded her
son's voice when he was whining and
played it back to him. They got a
chuckle out of it and gave the voice a
name, "Whimpy." Then when her son
would whine, she'd just say, "Uh oh,
Whimpy, I've lost Ken. Do you know
where Ken is?"

Readers, give us your ideas!! How have
you successfully handled this problem?
Just send your responses to:
news@familiesfirstcoaching.com. I'll
share your suggestions next month.
Feel free to pose a question, too!!

A Good Read

What's the name of a parenting book,
website or article that you've enjoyed??
Please share your thoughts with other
parents! Please include the name of
the book, the author, and the year it
was published. Also, include what you
liked about the book.

"I loved the book "Wonderful Ways to
Love a Child" by Judy Ford (1995).
The author has 65 brief articles that
gave me ideas on special things to do
with my child and also reminded me
about what parenting values are
important. "Celebrate Mistakes,"
"Honor Their Differences," "Stay Up
Late Together," are some of the topic
headings. Some of the topics were
playful and some were serious. I also
liked the book because you can only
read 2 or 3 pages and still walk away
with a good idea. Who has time to
read a whole book anyway? B.K.

Positive Discipline Options

Each month, a different discipline option will be offered.
Collect them all and expand your repertoire!

Definition: Discipline is a positive approach to guiding the
behavior of children so they learn self-control and orderly
conduct. Positive discipline, consistently applied, leads to
the development of strong character, responsible
behavior, personal safety, and high self-esteem.

Use Nonverbal Means

A parenting guide I read one time suggested using 10
word or less when you communicate
requests/commands to your children.

Better yet, try using nonverbal means for getting your
point across sometimes.

My daughter has the nasty habit of dumping her pajamas
on the floor each morning even though she's heard the
request to put them in her drawer a thousand times.

Instead of repeating the request yet again, I just point to
the problem and no words need be said! No nagging, no
sarcasm, no anger, just a simple point of my finger. I
find it works well and my blood pressure stays in the
normal range.

Leaving a note can be an equally effective means of
getting a job done. Just stick a post-it note with a simple
command like "Pick up PJs" on their door.

Toni

"Free" Time!

Distribution Rights

Families First Coaching Newsletter is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or
distribute it to others as long as you acknowledge familiesfirstcoaching.com as the source of the information .
However, you may not copy it to a web site.
Republication, and distribution, of Families First Coaching Newsletter in print is encouraged and permitted as
long as the issue is printed in its entirety and includes the contact information.

Copyright 2004 Families First Coaching,