Families First Newsletter

Table of Contents- November, 2004

Feature Article- "Secrets to Strong Families"
Parent-to Parent- Bedtime Hassles/Picky Eaters
A Good Read- "Discover Your Child's Learning Style"
Free Time- "Twinkle, Twinkle"
Positive Discipline Methods- Family Rules
Upcoming Classes

Free Sample Parent Coaching Session

If you'd like to know more about me and give parent coaching a try, just e-mail me at toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com or give me a call at 612-810-8687 and we can schedule a free sample session. During this time, we'll get acquainted and you can share the topics you might like to cover with a parent coach. Together, we can figure out if parent coaching would be helpful to meet the needs of your family.

Food for Thought- A Parenting Column by
Toni Schutta, Parent Coach

"Secrets to Strong Families"

Ideally, family should be a word that conjures up feelings of love, acceptance, warmth, support, connectedness and fun. Ideally, home is the place where you feel most welcome, safe, secure, and relaxed. So what are those qualities that we can nurture within our families to provide our children with the strongest foundation possible?

Over the years I've kept a file called "Strong Families." Any time that I've read an article about characteristics that reportedly make families strong, I slipped it into the file. I decided to share with you the qualities that have consistently been featured by psychologists and family educators over the last six years.

The seven qualities that I mention are not listed in any particular order. The qualities help define the values that you convey to your children about what's important: being sensitive to other people's feelings; putting people first, not possessions; searching for a way to contribute to the world; being responsible; and having fun with those you love. Here are some of the qualities researchers found common to strong families.

Family Comes First One of the most critical messages that you want to convey to your child is that your family is the most valued gift in the world. There are many ways that you convey those messages on a daily basis. One of the most obvious ways is that you choose to spend time together to nurture your relationships. Some families are trying to gain control of the runaway train of work and activities that send families in several different directions each night by striving to have a family meal together at least five times a week.

Other families have been devoting as least one night or weekend afternoon to "family time" when everyone is together doing something fun or relaxing. Holding those times sacred is conveying a value to your child(ren) that family comes first.

In a 25-year study of 14,000 families, Nick Stinnett found that the happiest families spent time playing board and card games together. Stinnett is a professor who published "Fantastic Families: 6 Proven Steps to Building a Strong Family." Playing games together is fun, relaxing and opens the door for casual conversations.

Other families are shutting off the TV during dinner (and other times) so they can meaningfully connect.
Developing Traditions and Rituals- Many professionals talk about traditions being the "glue" that holds a family together. Traditions and rituals are also unique to your family and begin to provide vibrant hues that together will make up the chapters of your family story that will be told to your childrens' children.

Rituals provide stability, connectedness and predictability to young children and provide teens with predictability during otherwise turbulent times. Rituals can be as simple as saying a blessing before a meal or having ice cream before bedtime. Picking apples in the fall or planting flowers in the spring can signal the beginning of a new season. Holidays lend themselves to numerous traditions that make your family special.
Empathic Listening – When you listen with your heart and try to hear the feelings that are behind what your child is saying, you're giving them the greatest gift – the gift of feeling understood. Skip the lectures. Skip the "because I'm the adult and I know more" routine and just concentrate on listening more. Not only are you learning more about your child, but you're modeling a skill that will teach your child to be more empathetic with his/her peers, too. Your child is also more likely to listen to you because you're creating a relationship of mutual respect.
Cheerleading – Supporting family members and cheering them on as they tackle new challenges is vital to building a sense of unity. By having each child share events from their day and challenges they'll face, you can build esprit de corps even among siblings. Kind words, notes in child's backpack and signs around the house can all make a child feel supported. Noting what a person's passions, interests and talents are in the world gives them the self-confidence it takes to go out and tackle a new day.
Embrace Discipline - It's your job to set clear expectations (See "Positive Discipline" methods in this issue) and to enforce consequences you can live with. Your children NEED you to be in charge, to set the course, and be consistent. Otherwise, they won't have the self-discipline required to make friends, do well in school and be a responsible adult. Truly, your child will be happier if you stand firm amidst the whining and manipulation.
Nurture Spirituality- Having knowledge of a higher power can be a source of strength for anyone during tough times and your child is no exception. Taking time to give thanks during the day and to ask for blessings shifts the egocentric focus of most children to others and reminds them that there is a greater world out there. Volunteering can be another method of shifting the focus to others that helps your child feel proud of his/her accomplishments.
Laugh! - Be a little silly. Have a pillow fight. Have a hula hoop contest. Dance together. Try to lighten up so there's a little fun in each day. If you feel humor-impaired, check out a book by Joel Goodman called, "Laffirmations: 1001 Ways to Add Humor to Your Life and Work."

Toni Schutta, Parent Coach

Upcoming TeleClasses

Take these classes from the comfort of home! You'll join other parents, via telephone, for parenting tips and a lively discussion all while sitting in your favorite armchair! There's no need to waste time driving to classes when you can participate from home in a "teleclass."

Tuesday, November 23, 6:30-7:30 p.m. (CST)

"How to Win the Chore Wars and Find Peace in the Family"

Recent research has uncovered that one of the most important predictors of your child's success as a young adult is whether they participated in household chores! Participate in this class to get your child's feet on the path to success and enjoy the benefits of a cleaner home! ($25)

To register: Send an e-mail to toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com

Parent-to-Parent

This is a place for parents to exchange ideas. Would you like to get ideas from other parents about a parenting concern? Do you have good ideas that might help another parent? Feel free to contribute!!

For Nov.: Q. One of my children doesn't like to eat what the rest of us do at mealtime. Should I make him eat the meal I'm serving or prepare something else for him? K.J.

Readers, give us your ideas!! How have
you successfully handled this problem?
Just send your responses to:
news@familiesfirstcoaching.com. I'll
share your suggestions next month.
Feel free to pose a question, too!!

From Last Month: : Q. My children dilly-dally at bedtime and it takes forever to get them to bed. Any ideas? D.C.
.
Readers responded with these ideas:

" I set a timer for 15 minutes and if the children get their bedtime tasks done within the allotted time, they get an extra book. You could use whatever reward would work best for your children." B.D.

" I've used a system for years where the kids get a bedtime snack right before bed, if they've cleaned up all their toys, have their PJs on and clothes laid out for school the next day. If these chores are done, they get a bowl of ice cream and then just brush their teeth before hopping into bed." G.T.

"I read about an idea where you make a set of cards with a different bedtime task drawn on each card ie. brush teeth, get PJs on, and you give the child the set of cards to guide them rather than nagging them. They suggested that you stay nearby and offer encouragement but the goal is for them to do it independently. When they're done, you can read them a book and tuck them in." D.K.

"I might wonder if youπre being firm enough at bedtime? Or maybe the bedtime routine is inconsistent and the kids feel there's room for doing other off-task activities? I would work with the kids to establish a routine that you both can live with, write it down on a chart that they can follow and then keep referring to the chart to keep them on task. Have them put a check by the tasks they complete so they can see their progress." L.P.

A Good Read

What's the name of a parenting book, website or article that you've enjoyed? Please share your thoughts with other parents! Please include the name of the book, the author, and the year it was published. Also, include what you liked about the book.

"I highly recommend the book, "Discover Your Child's Learning Style" by Mariaemma Willis and Victoria Kindle Hodson, even if your child is not having problems at school. The book is a great way to get to know your child better and to normalize that we all learn in unique ways.

The authors provide many different assessment tools and they recommend that all members of the family fill out the forms so you can learn about each other. Even though my husband and I each finished high school, went to college and earned a master's degree, we werenπt aware of the type of learning style we possessed. It was like a light bulb going off that explains why we have certain habits. The authors even provide an assessment you can fill out to determine the learning style of your preschooler.

If you complete the assessments you'll learn about your child's "disposition" which is similar to personality or temperament, but it's "hard-wired" into each of us and determines the way that we interact with the world. You also examine what talents, interests, learning style and environment will help your child learn with the most ease.

The authors were special education teachers and came to the conclusion that our school system, as it exists, fails many students, because they fail to teach using multi-modal methods that incorporate visual, auditory and tactile-kinesthetic means. Even if your school is failing to teach your child in a way that's best for them, the authors contend that parents can use these methods at home to rebuild a child's self-esteem, to increase their self-knowledge and spark an interest in learning that can benefit them throughout their life".

T.S.

Positive Discipline Options

Each month a positive discipline option be offered. Collect them all and expand your repertoire!

Definition: The word "discipline" is from the root word "disciple" which means "one who teaches." The essence of discipline, therfore, is to provide a learning experience for the child to grow. (Provided by Dave Hudson)

Family Rules

I worked as a psychologist for 10 years and one of the questions that I'd ask children would be "What are some of the family rules at your house?" Children were seldom able to answer that question without a lot of consideration or prompting. I would often recommend that the family sit down together and talk about what rules were important to them as a family?

This is an effective "discipline" tool for many reasons. First of all, it helps involve the children in a family discussion of what rules are important to establish a sense of order, mutual respect and civility in the home. Secondly, if the child is involved in the process, it feels less like an authoritarian home (although you're still the final authority) and they are more likely to comply with requests that they've had a hand in creating. Also, the children can help determine what fair consequences would be for breaking the rule.

After your discussion, it's wise to write down the family rules and consequences on a large sheet and post it. That way, you can just refer to the poster when a rule is broken and the consequence is already decided. It takes some of the burden off of you to pick a consequence each time. It's also a great way for two-parent families to enforce the same consequences so the child can't play one parent off another.

Toni

"Free" Time!

What does your family do for fun that doesn't cost a lot of money?? Let's share some ideas!!

Twinkle Twinkle!

"One of our favorite things to do is to take a map of the constellations outside with us at dusk, build a fire in the fire pit and wait for the stars to come out. We've learned to find some of the constellations without the map. Our four-year-old already asks things like, "Has anyone seen Cassiopeia yet? One night, we were treated to a spectacular show by watching the Northern Lights. It's one of our fondest memories of the summer." A.S.

Toni Schutta, Publisher, Families First News

Toni Schutta is a Parent Coach with a Master's Degree in Psychology and 10 years experience working with children and families. She's also the mother of two wonderful children, a Licensed Psychologist, a certified graduate of the Mentor Coach Foundations Program and a member of the International Coach Federation. Families First Coaching is an organization devoted to building strong families by empowering parents with practical information, easy-to-use tools and helpful resources that will help you be the best parent possible. Individual parent coaching sessions are available along with parent-to-parent support groups and parent education groups. Check out the website at www.familiesfirstcoaching.com for a complete list of services.

If you enjoy this newsletter and know of someone else who might, please forward it to your friend.

If you would like to subscribe to this newsletter, please e-mail news@familiesfirstcoaching.com and type "subscribe me" in the subject line.

If you would like to unsubscribe to this newsletter, please e-mail news@familiesfirstcoaching.com and type "unsubscribe" in the subject line.

Distribution Rights

Families First Coaching Newsletter is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or
distribute it to others as long as you acknowledge familiesfirstcoaching.com as the source of the information . However, you may not copy it to a web site.
Republication, and distribution, of Families First Coaching Newsletter in print is encouraged and permitted as long as the issue is printed in its entirety and includes the contact information.


	Table of Contents- November, 2004 Feature Article- "Secrets to Strong Families" Parent-to Parent- Bedtime Hassles/Picky Eaters A Good Read- "Discover Your Child's Learning Style" Free Time- "Twinkle, Twinkle" Positive Discipline Methods- Family Rules Upcoming Classes				Free Sample Parent Coaching Session If you'd like to know more about me and give parent coaching a try, just e-mail me at toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com or give me a call at 612-810-8687 and we can schedule a free sample session. During this time, we'll get acquainted and you can share the topics you might like to cover with a parent coach. Together, we can figure out if parent coaching would be helpful to meet the needs of your family.
	Food for Thought- A Parenting Column by Toni Schutta, Parent Coach "Secrets to Strong Families" Ideally, family should be a word that conjures up feelings of love, acceptance, warmth, support, connectedness and fun. Ideally, home is the place where you feel most welcome, safe, secure, and relaxed. So what are those qualities that we can nurture within our families to provide our children with the strongest foundation possible? Over the years I've kept a file called "Strong Families." Any time that I've read an article about characteristics that reportedly make families strong, I slipped it into the file. I decided to share with you the qualities that have consistently been featured by psychologists and family educators over the last six years. The seven qualities that I mention are not listed in any particular order. The qualities help define the values that you convey to your children about what's important: being sensitive to other people's feelings; putting people first, not possessions; searching for a way to contribute to the world; being responsible; and having fun with those you love. Here are some of the qualities researchers found common to strong families. Family Comes First One of the most critical messages that you want to convey to your child is that your family is the most valued gift in the world. There are many ways that you convey those messages on a daily basis. One of the most obvious ways is that you choose to spend time together to nurture your relationships. Some families are trying to gain control of the runaway train of work and activities that send families in several different directions each night by striving to have a family meal together at least five times a week. Other families have been devoting as least one night or weekend afternoon to "family time" when everyone is together doing something fun or relaxing. Holding those times sacred is conveying a value to your child(ren) that family comes first. In a 25-year study of 14,000 families, Nick Stinnett found that the happiest families spent time playing board and card games together. Stinnett is a professor who published "Fantastic Families: 6 Proven Steps to Building a Strong Family." Playing games together is fun, relaxing and opens the door for casual conversations. Other families are shutting off the TV during dinner (and other times) so they can meaningfully connect. Developing Traditions and Rituals- Many professionals talk about traditions being the "glue" that holds a family together. Traditions and rituals are also unique to your family and begin to provide vibrant hues that together will make up the chapters of your family story that will be told to your childrens' children. Rituals provide stability, connectedness and predictability to young children and provide teens with predictability during otherwise turbulent times. Rituals can be as simple as saying a blessing before a meal or having ice cream before bedtime. Picking apples in the fall or planting flowers in the spring can signal the beginning of a new season. Holidays lend themselves to numerous traditions that make your family special. Empathic Listening – When you listen with your heart and try to hear the feelings that are behind what your child is saying, you're giving them the greatest gift – the gift of feeling understood. Skip the lectures. Skip the "because I'm the adult and I know more" routine and just concentrate on listening more. Not only are you learning more about your child, but you're modeling a skill that will teach your child to be more empathetic with his/her peers, too. Your child is also more likely to listen to you because you're creating a relationship of mutual respect. Cheerleading – Supporting family members and cheering them on as they tackle new challenges is vital to building a sense of unity. By having each child share events from their day and challenges they'll face, you can build esprit de corps even among siblings. Kind words, notes in child's backpack and signs around the house can all make a child feel supported. Noting what a person's passions, interests and talents are in the world gives them the self-confidence it takes to go out and tackle a new day. Embrace Discipline - It's your job to set clear expectations (See "Positive Discipline" methods in this issue) and to enforce consequences you can live with. Your children NEED you to be in charge, to set the course, and be consistent. Otherwise, they won't have the self-discipline required to make friends, do well in school and be a responsible adult. Truly, your child will be happier if you stand firm amidst the whining and manipulation. Nurture Spirituality- Having knowledge of a higher power can be a source of strength for anyone during tough times and your child is no exception. Taking time to give thanks during the day and to ask for blessings shifts the egocentric focus of most children to others and reminds them that there is a greater world out there. Volunteering can be another method of shifting the focus to others that helps your child feel proud of his/her accomplishments. Laugh! - Be a little silly. Have a pillow fight. Have a hula hoop contest. Dance together. Try to lighten up so there's a little fun in each day. If you feel humor-impaired, check out a book by Joel Goodman called, "Laffirmations: 1001 Ways to Add Humor to Your Life and Work." Toni Schutta, Parent Coach

					Upcoming TeleClasses
					Take these classes from the comfort of home! You'll join other parents, via telephone, for parenting tips and a lively discussion all while sitting in your favorite armchair! There's no need to waste time driving to classes when you can participate from home in a "teleclass." Tuesday, November 23, 6:30-7:30 p.m. (CST) "How to Win the Chore Wars and Find Peace in the Family" Recent research has uncovered that one of the most important predictors of your child's success as a young adult is whether they participated in household chores! Participate in this class to get your child's feet on the path to success and enjoy the benefits of a cleaner home! ($25) To register: Send an e-mail to toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com

					Parent-to-Parent This is a place for parents to exchange ideas. Would you like to get ideas from other parents about a parenting concern? Do you have good ideas that might help another parent? Feel free to contribute!! For Nov.: Q. One of my children doesn't like to eat what the rest of us do at mealtime. Should I make him eat the meal I'm serving or prepare something else for him? K.J. Readers, give us your ideas!! How have you successfully handled this problem? Just send your responses to: news@familiesfirstcoaching.com. I'll share your suggestions next month. Feel free to pose a question, too!! From Last Month: : Q. My children dilly-dally at bedtime and it takes forever to get them to bed. Any ideas? D.C. . Readers responded with these ideas: " I set a timer for 15 minutes and if the children get their bedtime tasks done within the allotted time, they get an extra book. You could use whatever reward would work best for your children." B.D. " I've used a system for years where the kids get a bedtime snack right before bed, if they've cleaned up all their toys, have their PJs on and clothes laid out for school the next day. If these chores are done, they get a bowl of ice cream and then just brush their teeth before hopping into bed." G.T. "I read about an idea where you make a set of cards with a different bedtime task drawn on each card ie. brush teeth, get PJs on, and you give the child the set of cards to guide them rather than nagging them. They suggested that you stay nearby and offer encouragement but the goal is for them to do it independently. When they're done, you can read them a book and tuck them in." D.K. "I might wonder if youπre being firm enough at bedtime? Or maybe the bedtime routine is inconsistent and the kids feel there's room for doing other off-task activities? I would work with the kids to establish a routine that you both can live with, write it down on a chart that they can follow and then keep referring to the chart to keep them on task. Have them put a check by the tasks they complete so they can see their progress." L.P.

					A Good Read What's the name of a parenting book, website or article that you've enjoyed? Please share your thoughts with other parents! Please include the name of the book, the author, and the year it was published. Also, include what you liked about the book. "I highly recommend the book, "Discover Your Child's Learning Style" by Mariaemma Willis and Victoria Kindle Hodson, even if your child is not having problems at school. The book is a great way to get to know your child better and to normalize that we all learn in unique ways. The authors provide many different assessment tools and they recommend that all members of the family fill out the forms so you can learn about each other. Even though my husband and I each finished high school, went to college and earned a master's degree, we werenπt aware of the type of learning style we possessed. It was like a light bulb going off that explains why we have certain habits. The authors even provide an assessment you can fill out to determine the learning style of your preschooler. If you complete the assessments you'll learn about your child's "disposition" which is similar to personality or temperament, but it's "hard-wired" into each of us and determines the way that we interact with the world. You also examine what talents, interests, learning style and environment will help your child learn with the most ease. The authors were special education teachers and came to the conclusion that our school system, as it exists, fails many students, because they fail to teach using multi-modal methods that incorporate visual, auditory and tactile-kinesthetic means. Even if your school is failing to teach your child in a way that's best for them, the authors contend that parents can use these methods at home to rebuild a child's self-esteem, to increase their self-knowledge and spark an interest in learning that can benefit them throughout their life". T.S.

	Positive Discipline Options Each month a positive discipline option be offered. Collect them all and expand your repertoire! Definition: The word "discipline" is from the root word "disciple" which means "one who teaches." The essence of discipline, therfore, is to provide a learning experience for the child to grow. (Provided by Dave Hudson) Family Rules I worked as a psychologist for 10 years and one of the questions that I'd ask children would be "What are some of the family rules at your house?" Children were seldom able to answer that question without a lot of consideration or prompting. I would often recommend that the family sit down together and talk about what rules were important to them as a family? This is an effective "discipline" tool for many reasons. First of all, it helps involve the children in a family discussion of what rules are important to establish a sense of order, mutual respect and civility in the home. Secondly, if the child is involved in the process, it feels less like an authoritarian home (although you're still the final authority) and they are more likely to comply with requests that they've had a hand in creating. Also, the children can help determine what fair consequences would be for breaking the rule. After your discussion, it's wise to write down the family rules and consequences on a large sheet and post it. That way, you can just refer to the poster when a rule is broken and the consequence is already decided. It takes some of the burden off of you to pick a consequence each time. It's also a great way for two-parent families to enforce the same consequences so the child can't play one parent off another. Toni


					*"Free" Time!*
					What does your family do for fun that doesn't cost a lot of money?? Let's share some ideas!! Twinkle Twinkle! "One of our favorite things to do is to take a map of the constellations outside with us at dusk, build a fire in the fire pit and wait for the stars to come out. We've learned to find some of the constellations without the map. Our four-year-old already asks things like, "Has anyone seen Cassiopeia yet? One night, we were treated to a spectacular show by watching the Northern Lights. It's one of our fondest memories of the summer." A.S.

	Toni Schutta, Publisher, Families First News Toni Schutta is a Parent Coach with a Master's Degree in Psychology and 10 years experience working with children and families. She's also the mother of two wonderful children, a Licensed Psychologist, a certified graduate of the Mentor Coach Foundations Program and a member of the International Coach Federation. Families First Coaching is an organization devoted to building strong families by empowering parents with practical information, easy-to-use tools and helpful resources that will help you be the best parent possible. Individual parent coaching sessions are available along with parent-to-parent support groups and parent education groups. Check out the website at www.familiesfirstcoaching.com for a complete list of services.

	If you enjoy this newsletter and know of someone else who might, please forward it to your friend. If you would like to subscribe to this newsletter, please e-mail news@familiesfirstcoaching.com and type "subscribe me" in the subject line. If you would like to unsubscribe to this newsletter, please e-mail news@familiesfirstcoaching.com and type "unsubscribe" in the subject line.
	Distribution Rights Families First Coaching Newsletter is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to others as long as you acknowledge familiesfirstcoaching.com as the source of the information . However, you may not copy it to a web site. Republication, and distribution, of Families First Coaching Newsletter in print is encouraged and permitted as long as the issue is printed in its entirety and includes the contact information. Copyright 2004 Families First Coaching.