Are Your Children Overscheduled?

Some parents and professionals have begun to question whether the current flurry of organized activities for children is good for them.  The concerns are coming from a number of fronts—mental health professionals who see an increase in anxiety-related disorders, coaches who see kids burning out by the teen years, parents who are tired and overextended, and family science researchers who are beginning to see fall-out from the flurry.

What I¹d like to do in this month¹s column is to outline some of the concerns that professionals are raising and offer you several methods of examining the dynamics in your family.

One of the leading advocates of limiting kids¹ activities is Dr. William Doherty, head of the Family Social Science Department at the University of Minnesota.  Doherty wants to remind parents that the number one factor in keeping children emotionally healthy, drug and alcohol free and out of trouble is the amount of time that they spend with their families.  Doherty¹s web-site (puttingfamilyfirst.org) documents studies that show sharp declines in the number of conversations that children have with family members, the number of family dinners people share, and the lack of free time that families have for connecting.

While activities can help your children develop skills, make friends, have fun, and potentially increase self-esteem, Doherty and others recommend that each child be involved in no more than one or two activities at a time.

³A warm and limit-setting family is the most important element for kids and that requires a lot of time, time not spent running around.  Children need time to daydream, to chill out.  We¹ve reversed it all,² Doherty says in the April, 2004 issue of Better Homes and Gardens.

Other professionals question how a child¹s creativity, imagination and ability to be self-starters are being affected by so many structured, adult-led activities.

Some professionals also note that kids are burning out, emotionally and physically.

For instance, if a child starts playing basketball at a young age, s/he will have played between 300 and 500 games by the time they¹re 14, according to Bob Bigelow, author of the book Just Let the Kids Play.  ³Research shows that 70 percent (of kids) abandon their predominant sport by age 13, ³Bigelow is quoted as saying in the May, 2004 issue of Minnesota Parent. It seems that this is precisely the age that sports would be most beneficial for kids.

One psychologist, Dr. Georgia Witkin, from the Mount Sinai Medical Center Stress Program, said that children are not necessarily stressed by the number of activities that they¹re in, but rather from the amount of stress that parents are experiencing by orchestrating these activities.  This stress then transfers down to the children, making parents more irritable, more tense, and more preoccupied.

³Tension is passed from parent to child and from child back to parents, and it quickly becomes a negative spiral,² Dr. K. Mark Sossin, associate professor of psychology at Pace University, is quoted as saying in the Feb., 2004 issue of Parents.

So what are some tools that you can use to guide your decisions about activities for your child(ren)?

First of all, examine your own stress level.

• Are you frazzled? How much time each day do you relax?
• Do you pursue a hobby or interest of your own?
• Are you getting adequate sleep?
• Are you resentful that activities eat up so much time?
• Are you short-tempered with your children?
• Do you feel pressure that your child should excel at something?
• Secondly, examine your child¹s level of stress:
• Does your child seem irritable?
• Are there frequent headaches?
• Are there inexplicable stomachaches?
• Does s/he appear fatigued?
• Have there been significant increases or decreases in appetite?
• Is there any difficulty getting to sleep?
• Do they appear anxious or have nervous habits?
• Is there excessive whining?
  

Also, take the Family Balance Exercise on my website: familiesfirstcoaching.com.  Doing this will help you examine the big picture.  After rating 10 areas of your family life, you can examine what areas that you¹re happy with and which areas you can improve to obtain more balance.  (Go to familiesfirstcoaching.com, click on Parenting Tips and Resources, then in the first paragraph of the Work/Family Balance article, press "click here to participate.")

Take a quiz called "Is Your Child Over-Scheduled?" The quiz was created by Alvin Rosenfeld, M.D. and Nicole Wise, authors of The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap.  It¹s available on-line at www.ivillage.com, click on Quizzes, then Happy, Healthy Kids, then Is Your Child Over-Scheduled?
 
Another quiz, available on-line, may also be helpful.  It¹s called ³Is Your Family Too Stressed?² (www.bhg.com, click on Family, then Family Dynamics, then Quizzes and Is Your Family Too Stressed?) The quiz takes awhile, but the analysis gives some helpful tips.

In summary, take time to look at the big picture.  What are your values as a family?  What are your priorities based on those family values?  How balanced are your lives? Take a look at your stress level, and that of your child. Are you spending meaningful time with your children outside of the car?  After looking at these issues, you can make conscious, well-thought-out decisions about what¹s best for your family.