Ideally, family should be a word that conjures up feelings of love, acceptance, warmth, support, connectedness and fun. Ideally, home is the place where you feel most welcome, safe, secure, and relaxed. So what are those qualities that we can nurture within our families to provide our children with the strongest foundation possible?

Over the years I've kept a file called "Strong Families." Any time that I've read an article about characteristics that reportedly make families strong, I slipped it into the file. I decided to share with you the qualities that have consistently been featured by psychologists and family educators over the last six years.

The seven qualities that I mention are not listed in any particular order. The qualities help define the values that you convey to your children about what's important: being sensitive to other people's feelings; putting people first, not possessions; searching for a way to contribute to the world; being responsible; and having fun with those you love. Here are some of the qualities researchers found common to strong families.

• Family Comes First One of the most critical messages that you want to convey to your child is that your family is the most valued gift in the world. There are many ways that you convey those messages on a daily basis. One of the most obvious ways is that you choose to spend time together to nurture your relationships. Some families are trying to gain control of the runaway train of work and activities that send families in several different directions each night by striving to have a family meal together at least five times a week.
  
  Other families have been devoting as least one night or weekend afternoon to "family time" when everyone is together doing something fun or relaxing. Holding those times sacred is conveying a value to your child(ren) that family comes first.
  
  In a 25-year study of 14,000 families, Nick Stinnett found that the happiest families spent time playing board and card games together. Stinnett is a professor who published "Fantastic Families: 6 Proven Steps to Building a Strong Family." Playing games together is fun, relaxing and opens the door for casual conversations.
  
  Other families are shutting off the TV during dinner (and other times) so they can meaningfully connect.
• Developing Traditions and Rituals- Many professionals talk about traditions being the "glue" that holds a family together. Traditions and rituals are also unique to your family and begin to provide vibrant hues that together will make up the chapters of your family story that will be told to your childrens' children.
  
  Rituals provide stability, connectedness and predictability to young children and provide teens with predictability during otherwise turbulent times. Rituals can be as simple as saying a blessing before a meal or having ice cream before bedtime. Picking apples in the fall or planting flowers in the spring can signal the beginning of a new season. Holidays lend themselves to numerous traditions that make your family special.
• Empathic Listening — When you listen with your heart and try to hear the feelings that are behind what your child is saying, you're giving them the greatest gift — the gift of feeling understood. Skip the lectures. Skip the "because I'm the adult and I know more" routine and just concentrate on listening more. Not only are you learning more about your child, but you're modeling a skill that will teach your child to be more empathetic with his/her peers, too. Your child is also more likely to listen to you because you're creating a relationship of mutual respect.
• Cheerleading — Supporting family members and cheering them on as they tackle new challenges is vital to building a sense of unity. By having each child share events from their day and challenges they'll face, you can build esprit de corps even among siblings. Kind words, notes in child's backpack and signs around the house can all make a child feel supported. Noting what a person's passions, interests and talents are in the world gives them the self-confidence it takes to go out and tackle a new day.
• Embrace Discipline - It's your job to set clear expectations (See "Positive Discipline" methods in this issue) and to enforce consequences you can live with. Your children NEED you to be in charge, to set the course, and be consistent. Otherwise, they won't have the self-discipline required to make friends, do well in school and be a responsible adult. Truly, your child will be happier if you stand firm amidst the whining and manipulation.
• Nurture Spirituality- Having knowledge of a higher power can be a source of strength for anyone during tough times and your child is no exception. Taking time to give thanks during the day and to ask for blessings shifts the egocentric focus of most children to others and reminds them that there is a greater world out there. Volunteering can be another method of shifting the focus to others that helps your child feel proud of his/her accomplishments.

Laugh! - Be a little silly. Have a pillow fight. Have a hula hoop contest. Dance together. Try to lighten up so there's a little fun in each day. If you feel humor-impaired, check out a book by Joel Goodman called, "Laffirmations: 1001 Ways to Add Humor to Your Life and Work."