Be a Better Parent by Understanding Your Child’s Temperament
By Toni Schutta, Parent Coach and President of Families First Coaching
On the day that my youngest daughter turned one, she had 12 tantrums. And she continued to have 12 tantrums a day for a long time after that. I’m happy to report that now at age 5, we’re down to one small meltdown a day, BUT… it was tough going for awhile!
After I got over the initial shock (Our oldest daughter had only one tantrum in her whole life!) I realized that I was dealing with an issue of “temperament” and I had better learn to make adjustments fast or we’d all be in for a rough ride.
What do I mean by “temperament?” Temperament is the way that we instinctively and spontaneously respond to the world. It’s the way our brain is hard-wired. Some researchers believe that temperament is resistant to change, while others believe that with time, some traits will modify on their own, or with our intervention.
How can understanding your child’s temperament help you be a better parent?
1) By understanding your child’s temperament you may be able to prevent some meltdowns by proactively problem-solving before entering situations that may set your child off. For instance, if your child is sensitive to sights and sounds, you won’t have their birthday party at Chuck E Cheese’s.
2) You’ll be less likely to take a child’s behavior, personally, if you understand that it’s a temperament issue. If you have a “persistent” child, for example, you can view it as temperament rather than defiance.
3) You’ll understand that one size does not fit all when it comes to discipline and you can adapt your discipline methods to fit each child’s needs.
4) If your child has traits of a “difficult” or “spirited” child you don’t have to blame yourself for poor parenting. Some kids are just tougher to parent.
5) You’ll be more understanding of, and sensitive to, the challenges that your child faces in various settings. You may be better able to coach them through it, rather than being disappointed that they’re “falling short.”
6) By learning the temperament of each family member, it will normalize that we’re all different and no one trait is all good or all bad. If your temperament is different than your child’s it may also help you understand why you butt heads sometimes.
I’d like to give you a brief synopsis of the 9 temperamental characteristics that were identified by Drs. Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas back in the ‘50s and then offer a few tips on ways to handle challenges. For all of these traits, there is a continuum (and in fact, we all share these traits to varying degrees). Most rating scales have parents rate the trait from 1-5. You can make up your own scale or use one in the resources provided at the end of the article.
1) Intensity: How strong does your child react emotionally to an event? Mildly reactive vs. Intense, dramatic and physical? Tip: It’s imperative that you remain calm if you have a “drama queen.” Your child needs you to be an anchor amidst their storm.
2) Activity Level: Low, quiet activity level vs. High energy, always on the go. Tip: Be sure to build in outdoor play time, plenty of breaks when doing homework and sporting time for your active child.
3) Regularity: Does your child adhere to a regular schedule for eating, sleeping and bowel movements or is there little predictability? Tip: Realize that your irregular child is not deliberately trying to drive you crazy. You must remain flexible with extra snacks and bedtime, but provide enough structure so your child still gets the sleep and nutrition that s/he needs.
4) Adaptability: Is your child quick to adapt to changes in schedule or slow to adapt? Tip: Slow to adapt kids hate surprises. Give them forewarning. Stick to a routine as much as possible. Allow enough time to finish projects. Be empathetic.
5) Approach/Withdrawal: Does your child jump right in when faced with new people, places or foods, or resist the new situations? Tip: The “slow to warm-up” child should be allowed to observe new situations before being asked to join. You may need to visit a place 3 or 4 times before your child is able to participate in the activity. Stay with them, if they ask you to.
6) Physical Sensitivity: Is your child very sensitive, or not sensitive, to slight noises, temperature differences, clothing textures and tags, and different tastes? Tip: Try to adapt your home environment (and especially the sleeping environment) to meet your child’s very real physical reactions. Always try on clothes at the store and test them for irritability.
7) Distractibility: Is your child highly distractible or not easily distracted in their thoughts and attention when noises or other children are present? Tip: Especially when doing homework, honor that your child needs it quiet to complete a task and set up a quiet space, that may be close to you to keep them on task.
8) Positive or Negative Mood: Is your child’s mood generally more pleasant, happy-go-lucky and positive or more serious, discontent, negative and displeased? Tip: You have to divorce your child’s negative feelings from your own so they don’t bring you down, too. Try to remain as neutral as you can and sometimes point out that the “glass is half full!”
9) Persistence: Does your child have a long attention span and difficulty stopping an activity, once engaged vs. being able to stop easily when asked to do so? Tip: With the persistent child, not only should you give warnings about changing activities, but you may want to physically touch their shoulder, look them in the eye and guide them to the next activity.
Next time you feel like you’ve hit a brick wall with your child, consider whether temperament might be at the heart of the disagreement and look for ways to work WITH your child’s temperament!
This article is a quick summary on temperament. For more details, consider using these sources: “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka; “Unconditional Parenting” by Alfie Kohn; “Understanding Your Child’s Temperament” by William B. Carey, M.D. and Martha Jablow; and “Your Child is a Person,” by Stella Chess, M.D.