Had a Good Night's Sleep Lately?

By Toni Schutta, Parent Coach and President of Families First Coaching

It's a wonder that we parents get any sleep at all!

As parents with newborn babies, we rarely get more than three hours sleep in a row. Then we're off to toddlerhood when kids may fight sleep because they see it as a separation from us that creates anxiety. From ages 4 to 6 kids have difficulty separating fantasy from reality and children will commonly have fears of the dark, monsters and bedtime noises.

Then when children reach ages 7-10 the "architecture" of their sleep changes, according to Dr. Alan Williams, an associate professor of pediatrics at Mercer University Medical School. By the time a child is 8, less than a quarter of their sleep is spent in the rapid eye movement (REM) phase which means that they will be lighter sleepers and may wake more frequently, according to Williams.  School and peer anxieties also become more pronounced and can cause sleep disturbances.

What's a parent to do?  Here are some general guidelines:

1)  We must understand that most children from preschool age and up need 10-12 hours a night of sleep to function well. Take the time each morning that your child must wake up and do the math.  Is your child getting enough sleep?

2) Determine the tasks that need to be done each night at bedtime. Brushing teeth, putting on PJs, going to the bathroom and reading books are common duties. Other families include a snack, bath, cleaning up time, snuggling time or getting clothes out for the next day. Once you've figured out what is necessary to do at bedtime, determine a reasonable amount of time to perform the tasks. Set a time each night to start the routine. Thirty minutes for the bedtime routine would be a reasonable goal. Consider moving one or more tasks, like clean-up, earlier in the evening if the bedtime routine is taking too long.

3) "Ritualize" the routine that you pick with your child.  Once the tasks have been selected, have the child pick the order to do the tasks and set reasonable time limits to accomplish them. Set a timer to stay on task, if you'd like. Stick to the routine each night. Each parent should participate in the ritual, if at all possible.

4) Create opportunities for bonding.  Snuggle close while you read books together. Ask your child about the happy, sad and scary parts of their day. Play soft music. Make this part of the bedtime ritual.

5) Create a positive sleep environmment. Make sure the bed is comfortable, the lovey is snuggled in with them, the lights are dim, soft music is playing.

6) Be clear about your expectations after they are in bed. "It's bedtime now. You need to stay in your bed." can be a mantra that you repeat if your child gets out of bed after you leave.  Do not engage in other communication or walk them back to their room which would give them positive attention therby reinforcing the behavior to continue.

7) If you continue to allow your children to manipulate you with requests for more water, more hugs, longer stories, etc. take a step back and try to figure out why it's hard for you to set a firm boundary about sleep?  Are you feeling guilty because you work long hours? Do you need more snuggle time during other parts of the day?  Are you avoiding meeting your own needs?

Imagine that your child was hungry at mealtime.  Would you keep denying them the opportunity to eat?  Why are you denying them the opportunity to sleep? Sleep, like hunger, provides the energy that allows our kids to be successful.  Try not to give in to the whining or crying by keeping your eye on the big prize! More time to yourself. A happier child. Better sleep habits.

8) Do not allow kids to watch TV, play computer and video games or surf the net before bedtime. These activities stimulate a child's brain and it will be tougher for them to wind down. And by all means, avoid scary movies that are sure to trigger a young child's nightmares.

Please know that it may take 6-8 weeks for a new bedtime routine to stick. Your child will resist. There will be bumps along the way. Hold firm! It will be well worth the effort!

Q. What if my child is afraid when I leave the room?

A. I would recommend adressing their fears directly. For children, the fear of the dark, for instance, is very real. Get specific information from them about what their fears are.  Then you could include taking a flashlight and looking for "monsters" under his bed, in the closet, or in drawers before you leave the bedroom.  You can announce that "All is safe. No monsters found." and leave the flashlight for your child to use, if they need it.  You can also have the child recall a pleasant activity and focus on that. You may also want to teach your child some basic relaxation exercises.

Q. What if my child is stressed about school and those issues are coming out at bedtime?

A. Bedtime is actually one of the times of day that children are most likely to open up.  Ask your child for more details about the source of their stress. Have them write down their thoughts and feelings in a journal you keep next to their bed.  Create a "stress catcher" much like a dream weaver that you can have them deposit their stressors in each night.  Promise to problem-solve with them the next day about their problems and then work out a plan together.

Q. What if my child keeps coming out of the room after I leave?

A.  First of all, be clear about your expectations. Give them examples of when it is acceptable for them to leave.  ie. going to the bathroom, they feel sick, etc. Then keep a bowl with 3 treats on the kitchen table. The treats could be coins or M&Ms, or whatever might be a good motivator for your child.  If the child doesn't leave the bedroom after you leave at night, they can have all three treats in the morning.  Each time they do leave, though, one of the treats goes away and they will get fewer rewards in the morning.

If I can be of assistance to you in resolving bedtime hassles, please call me for a sample parent coaching session at 612-810-8687.  Developing a bedtime ritual, calming a child's fears and examining your role in the process can help you to get a better night's sleep, too!

If you'd like to read a book on the topic, a resource I recommend is "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth, M.D.

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