Steps Every Parent Should Take to Try and Prevent Sexual Abuse

By Toni Schutta, Parent Coach and President of Families First Coaching

The thought that their child might be sexually abused is every parent’s worst nightmare. Yet, it’s estimated that one out of every three to five girls and one out of every seven to ten boys will experience some form of sexual abuse by the time he or she is18.

April is Sexual Abuse Prevention Month and there's no time like the present to begin educating your child on how sexual abuse might be prevented.

I've invited Libby Bergman, the executive director of the Center for Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment, to share her expertise with us this month. I had the pleasure of working with Libby for 5 years and I greatly admire her devotion to PREVENTING child abuse. Here are excerpts from our conversation.

Q. What age should a parent begin education that might protect their child from sexual abuse?

A. Education should start right from birth. At this age, it’s a parent’s job to help the child feel good about his or her body, to teach the child the names of private parts and to provide an atmosphere where the child feels comfortable asking questions about their body. As soon as a child is born they’re receiving messages about their bodies. They can either receive positive messages or negative messages.

An example of a negative message might be if you say “Yucky” and make an awful face while you’re changing a dirty diaper. The baby may associate that reaction with the private parts of their body. A positive message when changing the dirty diaper might be “Let’s get you clean and keep your body nice.”

Q. What type of parent education is important for children between the ages of 3 and 5?

A. A child this age will be exposed to more people and it’s important to teach the children about different types of touches. The parent should help the child set personal boundaries and those boundaries should be respected. A child should be able to say “No.” to touches s/he doesn’t like.

Helpful resources for children this age would be:

Red Flag Green Flag Resources available at www.redflaggreenflag.com

"From Diapers to Dating" by Debra Haffner

Q. What would you recommend for children ages 5-10?

A. Certainly a child this age has even more contact with people because they’re in school and going to friends’ houses to play.

I don’t believe teaching kids not to talk to strangers is a very helpful strategy. "Stranger" is an abstract concept. It's hard for kids to figure out what a stranger is. Also, 80% of child sexual abuse is committed by someone the child knows, such as an acquaintance, friend or relative.

I think it’s more helpful to teach kids not to accept things from other people, like candy, gifts, and especially rides. You should teach your child that anytime anyone offers them a ride that they need to check with the adult in charge. They must ask the parent, the teacher, or the babysitter before they go anywhere alone with someone.

A parent also needs to figure out who is safe for the child to be with.

Helpful resources are:

"Child Sexual Abuse: Facts About Abuse and Those Who Might Commit It"

This booklet is available from The Safer Society Press, PO Box 340, Brandon, VT 05733

802-247-3132

"It’s So Amazing" by Robie Harris

Q. What preventative steps might a parent take with a child 11-16?

A. It gets much more complicated then because children have more freedom.

You should teach your child:

1) To recognize a healthy relationship.

2) To adhere to healthy behaviors.

3) How to learn lessons from everyday experiences.

For instance, when you witness an unhealthy relationship on TV, stop and ask the child “What do you think of the way that that man treated that woman?” Draw out your child’s thoughts and share your own values.

Clearly, by age 10 you need to do, or have done, formal education regarding sexual development and dating. You can give them a book to read and then you can talk with them about it after. The earlier you do it the better, because by age 13 or 14 they will be more resistant.

You want to supervise their activities by having them check-in with you about their whereabouts, know if there are adults present in the home and have the friend’s number.

You may also find teachable moments in talking with your child about their reactions to a friend’s problems and relationships.

And lastly, you want to model healthy relationships in your own interpersonal life.

Q. Is there a typical profile of an offender?

A. No. Offenders are not obviously different. They can be married, single, old, young, executives, any race and any gender. A few warning signs include:

· An adult (or older teen) who spends most of his/her spare time with children.

· An adult (or older teen) who buys children expensive gifts.

· An adult (or older teen) who keeps on hugging, tickling or wrestling with a child even when the child wants him/her to stop.

· An adult (or older teen) who regularly offers to babysit many children.

· An adult (or older teen) who allows children to get away with inappropriate behavior.

· An adult (or older teen) who does not allow a child to set any of his/her own limits.

· An adult (or older teen) who seems overly interested in a child’s sexuality, development, or dating.

· An adult (or older teen) who interferes with normal teen dating.

· An adult (or older teen) who manages to spend alone time with children.

Q. What are some of the ways that perpetrators trick children into sexual abuse?

A perpetrator may set up a game and touching is part of the game.
They may show kids pictures in a magazine or on the internet of nude people or people engaged in a sexual act.
They may ask a child about the development of their body and say they need to check it.
They may offer to teach the child about their body and relationships.
They may suggest to the child that the parent has given permission for them to do certain acts to the child. They may offer money, alcohol or gifts to gain cooperation.
They may use threats.

Q. What final thoughts would you like to share with parents?

A. The main thing I want to emphasize is the importance of laying a good foundation right from the start so your child feels they can talk to you about any topic.

You need to listen well, validate their feelings, respect their concerns, ask questions and give them individual time.

If you have concerns about sexual abuse or see you child acting in a sexual way, try not to over-react. Over-reacting may shut them down and make it less likely that they will tell you what’s going on.

If you’d like more information, you may go to www.mnpreventabuse.org.

Other recommended books: "It's OK to Say No" by Amy C. Bahr; "Sometimes It's OK To Tell Secrets" by Amy C. Bahr; "Your Body is Your Own" by Amy C. Bahr; "My Body is Private" by Linda Walvoord Girard; "Better Safe Than Sorry" by Gordon Sol; "Touching" by Jody Bengsma and "My Body Belongs to Me" by Paul Glickman.