Table of Contents - April 2011

Feature Article: The Bully, the Bystander and the Target
Parenting Tip: 9 Amazing Foods for Kids
Upcoming Classes: “Create a Discipline Plan that Works”
A Good Read: The Family Dinner
 


The Bully, the Bystander and the Target

Is your child a bully, a target or a witness to hurtful, bullying behaviors?

On any given day, your child can play all three roles.

Hurt feelings. Tears. Drama. Fear. Anxiety. Embarrassment. Confusion. Pain. Isolation. Sadness. These are all feelings your child may be having at school, or home, with “friends.”

Navigating the shark-infested waters of social relationships can be very complicated for children and teens.

Bullying has become a hot item in the news lately. Why?

People are finally starting to wake up to the fact that a repeated pattern of mean, hurtful words can be just as damaging (or worse) as physical aggression to a child. Many schools have done a good job of setting strict rules about physical aggression but few schools have set strict standards about “emotional aggression.”

Emotional aggression is when kids “use relationships to hurt each other and find ways to exclude a person from making friends or keeping friends. It can include sarcasm, rolling eyes, pitting friends against one another, being a friend one day and not the next, laughing at others, excluding and isolating people, spreading rumors and gossip, and name calling. (Source: Sister to Sister: The Darker Side of Friendship, Girl Scouts of the USA.)

Recent research has uncovered the powerful role that the child who witnesses mean behaviors can have. In this article, we’ll be examining how you can empower your child on the front line to take a stand when they witness mean behaviors, or experience them.

There are three roles that a bystander to mean behavior can take:

  1. They can watch in silence.

  2. They can participate in the bullying.

  3. They can try to stop or prevent the bullying.

The child who watches in silence is implicitly supporting the mean/bullying behavior by allowing it to happen. Peer pressure is a powerful motivator for most children. When used to take a stand against mean comments to other children, it can become a powerful deterrent.

Perhaps your child didn’t start the mean words or name calling, but ends up agreeing with the bully or adding their own comments which feeds into the culture of disrespect and empowers the bully to continue because s/he is receiving status and power.

An excellent example of this is portrayed in a recent Dateline NBC report called, “My Child Would Never Bully.” http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/ (Look under Video: “My Child Would Never Bully.”)

In the report, teen actors portray bullies and victims. Unsuspecting teens are then observed in reenactments of bullying behaviors that girls and boys may do to other teens. The question was whether kids observing really mean comments and physical aggression would step in to stop it?

In some cases, kids did step in, others watched in silence or were visibly uncomfortable with the bullying. In other cases, the kids joined in and added mean comments of their own. In some vignettes, kids took a strong stand, with positive results or comforted the victim of the attack.

The video is an excellent teaching tool to illustrate the different roles that kids can play and how to respond to bullying. So screen the vignettes first and then share them with your school-aged child if you feel they’re mature enough.

“Bystanders are absolutely the most critical part of stopping bullying,” said Rosalind Wiseman, author of “Queen Bee Wannabees” in the Dateline report. “Most bystanders think they’re doing the right thing by not taking sides but that’s not so. The neutral position they take when they don’t get involved is actually not neutral. It’s siding with the bully, so if we want to stop bullying, we have to address the bystander.

To help empower all children, I’d like to offer these suggestions on what your child can do when they witness bullying:

  1. State, “It’s not cool to put someone down. Let’s all try to get along.”

  2. State, “We seem to be having a problem here. Let’s work on finding a solution.”

  3. Be assertive. Kids can use the “C.A.L.M.” method recommended by Michele Borba.

  • C stand for “cool.” Stay calm.

  • A stands for be assertive. “Stop calling her names. It’s hurtful.”

  • L stands for look the other person in the eye.

  • M stands for “mean it” by using authority in your voice.

  1. Comfort the target/victim and befriend him/her by taking the other child aside, and offering support.

  2. Stop breaking confidences when a friend shares something private.

  3. Stop spreading rumors that someone else starts.

  4. Take a strong stand. “Teaching kids to be nice and kind around bullies isn’t enough. Mean girls perceive nice and kind as a weakness. When someone’s being mean to you or someone else, you need to confront the behavior by saying, “I don’t like this. I have a right to be treated with dignity,” Wiseman said.

Children need practice at home before feeling strong enough to take a stand at school. Role play situations from the Dateline NBC report or have your child share mean incidents that s/he’s witnessed and take on the role of the target or the bystander. Practice until your child feels comfortable with at least one response. Then check in regularly to learn about what your child is facing. Talk to other parents. Talk to teachers at school.

Another important point from the NBC report is that children will often lie to adults about uncomfortable social situations. We need to keep asking and be observant.
 

Create a Discipline Plan that Works!

Do you wish that you could be more consistent when you discipline your kids? Are you tired of time outs or yelling at your kids but wonder what else you can do? Do your kids have more power than they should?

You have an opportunity to meet with me, by telephone, April 26 and May 3, to develop a personalized discipline plan that will work for your family. I’ll be selecting 15 parents to work with who are serious about being consistent in discipline. You’ll learn 10 highly effective, positive discipline methods and then develop a personalized plan for family rules and consequences for your family.

Remember, I’m picking just 15 motivated parents who want to make real changes. Reserve your spot here: http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/DisciplinePlan.htm

Attend these two classes and you will:

  • Use positive discipline methods that work.

  • Be more consistent when disciplining your kids.

  • Lower your stress by yelling less.

Who: Parents who want to consistently discipline their children with positive and effective discipline strategies.

What: Two one-hour telephone classes where you’ll learn 10 positive discipline methods and develop a personalized plan for your family.

Where: Call in from home or work for this “teleclass.”

When: Tues., April 26 and Tues., May 3, Noon- 1 p.m. CT (1-2 p.m. ET/ 11 a.m - Noon MT/ 10-11 a.m. PT)
Cost: $39.99. Includes two one-hour classes, 10 discipline ideas, a 20-page guide and a personalized discipline plan.

How: Register here to reserve your spot! http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/DisciplinePlan.htm 


Email me at toni@getparentinghelpnow.com or call me at 612-810-8687 if you have any questions.


Parenting Tip

9 Amazing Foods for Kids 

A Parents magazine article ranked the most nutritious foods for kids:

Here are their choices:

Best Salad Veggie: Tomatoes
Best Grain: Whole wheat bread
Best Fruit: Blueberries
Best Green Veggie: Spinach
Best Snack: Pita pizza with tomato sauce and melted mozzarella cheese
Best Nut: Almonds
Best Protein: Lean beef
Best Dessert: Frozen Yogurt
Best Juice: Orange

(Source: Parents, Dec., 2005 pp. 136 - 139)
 


UPCOMING TELECLASSES

Take these classes from the comfort of your home or office! You'll join other parents, via telephone, for parenting tips and a lively discussion all while sitting in your favorite armchair! There's no need to waste time driving to classes when you participate from home or your office in a 'teleclass.'

“Create a Discipline Plan that Works” - Tues., April 26 and Tues., May 3, Noon- 1 PM CT (1-2 PM ET/11-12 AM MT, 10-11 AM PT). If you can’t attend that day, sign up anyway and I’ll send you a replay of the class the next day. Register now at: http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/DisciplinePlan.htm

UPCOMING TELECLASSES

“Create a Discipline Plan that Works” - Tues., April 5 and 12, 6:30 p.m., Osceola, WI.

“Bullying Hurts Kids: Help Your Child Cope and Conquer” - Mon., April 11, 6:30 p.m., Pequot Lakes, MN.

“Proven Strategies for Reducing Sibling Hassles” - Thurs., April 14, 7 p.m., Falcon Ridge, Dist. 196 Community Education.

“Mean Girls (and Boys): Here’s What a Parent Can Do” - Tues., April 19, 7 p.m., Cottage Grove, Woodbury Community Education.

“The 7 Worst Mistakes Parents Make (And How to Avoid Them)” – Thurs., April 21, 2:30 p.m., Cigna.

“Children’s Anger: Triggers and Solutions for Coping” – Thurs., April 28, 7 p.m., Anoka Hennepin Community Education.


Toni offers 18 different parent education classes. If you’d like to book Toni at your company or organization, please go to: http://www.familiesfirstcoaching.com/Pages/Speakerspage.html or call Toni at 612-810-8687.
 


A Good Read

Each month a parent provides a review of a parenting book they've enjoyed. Please e-mail toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com to share a good read with other parents.


“The Family Dinner: Great Ways to Connect with Your Kids, One Meal at a Time”
By Laurie David


“This book is more than a cookbook, although it does have some great recipes. This book talks about the importance of eating together regularly but the author says being together is the most important thing. You don’t need four-course dinners. Take out is just fine.

David has lots of interesting chapters. One talks about creative table setting. She suggests lighting candles at every meal rather than saving them for a special occasion. David suggests putting a picnic blanket down on the living room floor for dinner some time or having a snack outside on a picnic table when your kids get home from school. A tea party with your kids could also be fun.

Another topic she covers is conversation starters with fun questions to ask such as: ‘What’s your biggest pet peeve?’ or ‘Who was your best friend growing up?’

David also provides options for table games and she talks about the importance of creating rituals at meal time.

She does provide recipes in case you’re stuck in a dinner rut. I made the tomato soup and it is delicious.” Sara Pedersen, www.time2organize.net  
 


INSTANT PARENTING SOLUTIONS
FOR COMMON PARENTING PROBLEMS
AVAILABLE 24/7

Go to www.getparentinghelpnow.com any time of the day or night and find practical solutions to common parenting problems when you need them most. You’ll find audio recordings, along with study guides, with solutions to 16 of the most common parenting problems, available 24/7.

Get Your Child to Listen the FIRST Time! http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/ListenAudio.htm;
Stop Back Talk and Whining Now! http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/StopBackTalkaudiopurchase.htm; Proven Strategies for Reducing Sibling Hassles http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/ReducingSiblingHassles.htm;
Relief for Homework Headaches http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/HomeworkAudio.htm;
Find More Joy http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/JoyAudio.htm;
Children’s Anger: Triggers and Solutions for Coping http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/CalmAngerAudio.htm;
Bullying Hurts Kids: Help Your Child Cope and Conquer http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/StopBullyingAudio.htm;
Money Matters! Teach Your Child the Value of a Buck
http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/MoneyMattersAudio.htm;
EQ: Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/EQAudio.htm;
Are You Listening? 5 Great Ways to Connect with Your Child http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/AreYouListeningAudio.htm;
Helping Your Child with Transitions http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/TransitionsAudio.htm;
How to Win the Chore Wars http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/ChoresAudio.htm;
The Birds and The Bees http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/BirdsandBees.htm;
How to Maneuver the Turbulent Waters of Peri-Adolescence http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/Periadolescence.htm:
Parents: Reclaim Your Couple Time http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/CoupleTime.htm;
"Create a Discipline Plan that Works" two-part series http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/DisciplineAudio.htm;
The “Yell Less. Hug More. 7 Essential Parenting Skills” 10-part audio class is also available at http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/7EssentialParentingSkills.html
 

Toni Schutta, Publisher, Families First Coaching Newsletter

Toni Schutta is a Parent Coach with a Master's Degree in Psychology and 16 years experience working with children and families. She's also the mother of two wonderful children, a Licensed Psychologist, a certified graduate of the Mentor Coach Foundations Program, a member of The Parent Coaches Association, an author, speaker and past radio host.

Families First Coaching is an organization devoted to building strong families by empowering parents with practical information, easy-to-use tools and helpful resources that will help you be the best parent possible. Individual parent coaching sessions are available along with parent-to-parent support groups and parent education classes. Check out the websites at http://www.familiesfirstcoaching.com  and http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com for a complete list of services.

If you enjoy this newsletter and know of someone else who might, please forward it to your friend.

If you would like to subscribe to this newsletter, please e-mail: news@familiesfirstcoaching.com and type "subscribe me" in the subject line. All information is held in strict confidence.

If you would like to unsubscribe to this newsletter, please e-mail: news@familiesfirstcoaching.com and type "unsubscribe" in the subject line.

Distribution Rights

Families First Coaching Newsletter is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or
distribute it to others as long as you acknowledge www.familiesfirstcoaching.com as the source of the information.
However, you may not copy it to a web site.
Republication, and distribution, of Families First Coaching Newsletter in print is encouraged and permitted
as long as the issue is printed in its entirety and includes the contact information.

Copyright 2004 Families First Coaching.