Table of Contents - December 2006 and January 2007

Feature Article: "Are You Too Child-Centered?"
Parent-to-Parent: “Potty” Talk/Saying Goodbye
A Good Read: "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child"
Free Time: Scavenger Hunt
Positive Discipline Methods: Emotion Coaching
Upcoming Classes


 My Holiday Gift for You:  A Free Class to Improve
the Balance in Your Life

Many of us make New Year’s resolutions that we fail to keep. I’d like to offer you a tool to help you make lasting changes that will bring more balance to your life. These changes will bring you more joy, less guilt and less stress. Please join me for a free teleclass, Thurs., January 11 at 7 p.m. CT (8 p.m. ET, 6 p.m. MT and 5 p.m. PT). The class is called “Balanced and Lovin’ It: 3 Key Strategies for Improving Family Balance.”

If you feel like you rarely have time for yourself, are feeling torn in a million directions or you’re riddled with guilt, set aside 75-minutes to turn the corner of change! Email Toni at toni.schutta@visi.com or call her at 612-810-8687 with questions.


Are You Too Child-Centered?

Thirty or 40 years ago parenting in an authoritative manner i.e. “Do it because I said so and I’m the parent” was the cultural norm. “Children should be seen and not heard” was a mantra that many of our parents used. We weren’t asked about what we wanted for dinner, we weren’t offered choices, we didn’t negotiate with our parents. Our parents would simply “lay down the law.”

But cultural norms for parenting have changed. Many of us have become more “child-centered” in our parenting, but some of us have become too “laissez faire” and our children “rule the roost.” This month, I’d like to offer an assessment for you to take. See how you fair when it comes to being “child centered.”

  1. How often does your child interrupt you while you are on the telephone?
    a.  Most of the time
    b.  Some of the time
    c.  Never/Rarely

  2. Add up the number of times that you’ve met with a friend this past week and compare that to the number of times that your child had a “play date” this past week. Is the number of times that you met with a friend:
    a.  Equal to your child’s number of play dates
    b.  More than your child’s number of play dates
    c.  Less than your child’s number of play dates

  3. Add up the number of times that you took your child to an activity outside of school the last week (unless it was a holiday) and compare it to the number of activities that you participated in for fun? Is the number of “enrichment” activities that you participated in:
    a.  Less than your child’s
    b.  Equal to your child’s
    c.  More than your child’s

  4. In a given week, how many hours did you spend enjoying a hobby or special interest of your own?
    a.  1-2 hours
    b.  3 hours or more
    c.  30 minutes or less

  5. During the last week, how many days did you exercise for 30 minutes or more?
    a.  5-7 days this week
    b.  0-1 days
    c.  2-4 days

  6. How many meals did you make this week that were NOT altered to meet the food jags/preferences of your child?
    a.  0-1 meal were NOT altered
    b.  2-4 meals were NOT altered
    c.  5 or more meals were NOT altered

  7. Not counting telephone conversations, how many times a day would you say that your child(ren) interrupts adult conversation?
    a.  2-4 times
    b.  0-1 times
    c.  5-7 times

  8. On average, how many times a week do you “splurge” or buy your child something that was not on your list before you entered a store?
    a.  Never/Rarely
    b.  Sometimes
    c.  Most of the time

  9. How many times this past week did you and your spouse (or a significant other) spend alone on a date?
    a.  1 time
    b.  2 times
    c.  0 times

  10. On an average day, how much time do you spend without your children present, having adult conversation with your spouse or a significant other, on issues other than parenting?
    a.  0-10 minutes
    b.  15- 30 minutes
    c.  More than 30 minutes

Scoring Grid: Circle the answer you chose for each question and add up your point total.

  1. a. 0 points b. 5 points c. 10 points

  2. a. 5 points b. 10 points. c. 0 points

  3. a. 0 points b. 5 points c. 10 points

  4. a. 5 points b. 10 points c. 0 points

  5. a. 10 points b. 0 points c. 5 points

  6. a. 0 points b. 5 points c. 10 points

  7. a. 5 points b. 10 points c. 0 points

  8. a. 10 points b. 5 points c. 0 points

  9. a. 5 points b. 10 points c. 0 points

  10. a. 0 points b. 5 points c. 10 points

Point Total: ______


0-30 Points: Your parenting is too child-centered. You are neglecting your own needs and interests and your child(ren) are taking center stage. You may be “overindulging” them with attention, gifts or activities, which can cause them harm in the long run. Your life probably feels out of balance and you may feel drained. Your children may feel a sense of entitlement that’s not healthy. Boundaries that protect your health and emotional well being are too loose. Setting firm boundaries about time for yourself, your hobbies, your friends and significant other will demonstrate to your child that you are important, too, and that taking care of yourself is not selfish, it’s the right thing to do. Pick one area where your boundaries are low or your self-care is lacking and start with just one goal for improvement. Problem-solve about how to meet your goal and come to the free class in January on “Improving Balance in Your Life” to get the jump start you need! (Click here to register._________________________)


35-65 Points: You’re doing some things right. You may be good at setting boundaries that communicate that adult time and conversations are honored and respected. Or maybe you’re doing a few things for yourself, but your child’s activities, interests, tastes and friendships are still too dominant in your family life. You may feel good about your parenting, but you’re likely not feeling fulfilled in other areas of your life that bring passion, fun, intellectual growth, health and creativity to your life. You are inadvertently role modeling that your needs are not as important as your child’s. Firming up your own boundaries and pursuing interests of your own will make you a happier person and demonstrate a healthy lifestyle to your child. Come to the free class, “Improving Balance in Your Life” on Jan. 11 and make a commitment to make changes in your life that will help you feel happier. (Click here to register.____________________)


70-100 Points: You’re conscience of the fact that your cup needs to be full before you can give freely. You take time for yourself and probably set boundaries that let your child know that there’s a healthy division between adult and child that’s important to honor. You demonstrate to your child that his/her needs are important but your needs are equally important. You find joy in interacting with other adults and grow as a result of your encounters. Exercising, pursuing your interests, or partaking in your hobby helps you to feel less stress and more balance. Keep up the good work! If there are one or two areas of your life that you’d like to achieve better balance in, please join us for my free teleclass, Jan. 11 at 7 p.m. CT. (Click here to register___________________)

 


Positive Discipline Options

Emotion Coaching

This month, a book called “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” is featured in my newsletter. I urge you to read the review and invest in the book. When the book came out in 1997, “Parent” magazine did a story on the book titled “From New Research, Experts Discover the Only Discipline Tool You’ll Ever Need.” It may be a bit of hyperbole, but I do agree that “emotion coaching” is an excellent discipline method.

John Gottman, the author, states that there are two types of parents: those who give their child guidance in expressing feelings and those who don’t. Those who don’t, dismiss a child’s negative emotions (Sadness, anger, fear, disgust) by saying something like “Oh, get over it,” ignore the child’s feelings or simply give the child a time out, without later talking about the feelings that triggered the strong feelings. A parent who uses “emotion coaching” would: stop, take a breath, step inside the child’s heart, show empathy and talk with the child about the feelings s/he’s having, then take enough time to listen until the child felt “heard” before moving on to problem-solving or limit setting.

By providing a child with 1000s of these type of interactions as the child grows, Gottman’s research team found that children will be more likely to comply to a parent’s commands when a base of love, support, empathy and understanding is present. There are also numerous other benefits to the child.

If you’d like a parent education class on this subject called “EQ: Steps for Raising Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence” call Toni at 612-810-8687.

 

Upcoming TeleClasses

FREE TELECLASS!!! “Balanced and Lovin’ It: 3 Key Strategies for Improving Family Balance.” Feeling torn in a million directions? Riddled by guilt? Rarely have time for yourself? This class will help you examine your life and how happy you are with current choices you’re making. Tools for assessing balance will be provided along with tips on how to take steps to live the life you want. Thurs., January 11 at 7 p.m. CT (8 p.m ET, 6 p.m. MT and 5 p.m. PT). Email Toni at toni.schutta@visi.com or call her at 612-810-8687 with questions.

"Relief for Homework Headaches" - Webinar through Working Family Resource Center. This class is designed to help parents solve the most common homework problems. Parents will learn how the homework brain works, methods for identifying their child’s learning style and ways to make learning fun. Parents will leave the class with strategies for motivating their child, plans for creating rituals that provide consistency and a “checklist for change.” Come to “school” for 60 minutes and find relief that will last throughout the year! Wed., Jan 17, Noon. FREE! Call Michael to register at 651-293-5330 or e-mail michael.burket@spps.org 

IN-PERSON CLASSES

“The 7 Worst Mistakes that Parents Make (And How to Avoid Them!)" Tues., Dec. 5 , Noon, Private Class. Dorsey and Whitney.

“EQ: How to Raise Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence” Mon., Dec. 11, Noon, Dorsey and Whitney. Private Class.

“How to Curb Back Talk, Whining and More!” Mon., Jan. 8, Noon, Dorsey and Whitney. Private Class.

“Reducing Sibling Rivalry” Mon., Jan. 22, Noon, Dorsey and Whitney. Private Class.

Parent-to-Parent

This is a place for parents to exchange ideas. Would you like to get ideas from other parents about a parenting concern? Do you have good ideas that might help another parent? Feel free to contribute!!

For Feb.: “My child has a hard time saying goodbye when I drop him off at day care. What have you tried that worked?” L.K.

From Last Month: “I hope someone has suggestions on how to curb “potty” talk.” I could use some ideas that have worked.” D. H.

Readers responded with these ideas:

“I don't have the definitive answer on potty talk, but I do have a good suggestion. If my boys want to "potty talk," they have to stop whatever else they're doing and go into the bathroom and close the door. They can potty talk all they want in there. That's the only place that potty talk is okay. One son is so humiliated to be singled out and isolated that this stops him cold. My other one will go into the bathroom and continue the talk for a few minutes (humorous but frustrating!). However, we recently had an after school guest walk into our house "potty talking." I warned them that when a person is in the bathroom, they are alone, without food, and without toys...is that the way they want to spend a play date? It worked!”   Kari

A Good Read

Each month a parent provides a review of a parenting book they've enjoyed. Please e-mail toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com to share a good read with other parents.

“Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting” by John Gottman, Ph.D.

I consider this book to be the best general book on parenting that I’ve seen yet. The reasons I like it so much are:

  1. Rather than focusing exclusively on managing children’s behavior, it deals in detail with how parents can communicate effectively with their children about feelings, a major motivational factor in their behavior.

  2. It provides a five-step coaching process that parents can use with their children for being effective “emotion coaches.”

  3. It provides a wonderful parenting self-assessment tool.

  4. It discusses the emotional impact of divorce and separation on the child.

  5. It discusses the crucial role of the father in the child’s emotional development.

  6. It is easy to read and can be easily comprehended by anybody.

  7. His work is based on extensive research.


In Gottman’s words (pp. 17-18): “The news of this book is that through scientific investigation, my colleagues and I have evidence that emotional interactions between parent and child are of utmost importance. We now know with certainty that when mothers and fathers practice Emotion Coaching it makes a significant difference in their children’s success and happiness... The key to successful parenting is not found in complex theories, elaborate family rules, or convoluted formulas for behavior. It is based on your deepest feelings of love and affection for your child, and is demonstrated simply through empathy and understanding.”

These are the five steps of Emotion Coaching that Gottman and his colleagues uncovered in their studies of successful parent-child interactions. The parents:

  1. Become aware of the child’s emotions.

  2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.

  3. Listen empathetically, validating the child’s feelings.

  4. Help the child find words to label the feeling he is having; and

  5. Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.

In the end, the Emotion Coaching parent does deal with the child’s behavior, but it’s in the larger context of helping the child deal with her emotions: primarily anger, sadness, and fear. The book’s many examples will help parents appreciate this and learn how to do it.

Chuck Adam, MSW
Life and Relationship Coach,
Specializing in parent-child relationships
 
 

"Free" Time!

What does your family do for fun that doesn’t cost a lot of money? Please share your ideas.

“Create a scavenger hunt for your kids inside this winter. Make a number of clue “tickets” that lead a child to other clues. At the conclusion of the hunt, the kids can find a ticket for a pizza party, a popcorn fest, or another small prize.” A.S.
 

Toni Schutta, Publisher, Families First Coaching Newsletter

Toni Schutta is a Parent Coach with a Master's Degree in Psychology and 12 years experience working with children and families. She's also the mother of two wonderful children, a Licensed Psychologist, a certified graduate of the Mentor Coach Foundations Program and a member of the International Coach Federation.

Families First Coaching is an organization devoted to building strong families by empowering parents with practical information, easy-to-use tools and helpful resources that will help you be the best parent possible. Individual parent coaching sessions are available along with parent-to-parent support groups and parent education classes. Check out the website at http://www.familiesfirstcoaching.com  for a complete list of services.

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