Solutions to Common Sibling Hassles

Sibling rivalry is as old as time itself. Think about Cain and Able and how that turned out! Is there really anything that parents can do to help siblings get along?

You bet there is! I taught a class on “Reducing Sibling Hassles” in January and I wanted to share some of the questions that parents had and the suggestions I made. We spend two weeks in the “Yell Less. Hug More” class talking about how to improve sibling relations, so if the topic interests you, consider joining the class for even more ideas.

Q. Our oldest daughter (13) always gives her sister (10) a hard time and is always annoyed with her younger sister. The 10-year-old wants a hug from her older sister and she never wants to give her one. Do you know how to fix this?

A. It’s so painful to see one child reaching out for love and affection from a sibling and receiving the cold shoulder instead. I can really understand how difficult this is for you to witness and for your younger daughter to experience.

I want to approach this from two angles. The truth is that we can’t make our children love each other. They have to make that decision. Our goals, instead, might be to have them learn how to treat others with respect, solve conflicts peacefully and know how to get along with other people. With that end in mind, you can have family rules that state: “We use only kind words. There’s no hitting, kicking, etc.” Then when you hear an infraction, you can ask: “Were those kind words?” State the rule: “In our family, we only use kind words.” And then say: “Let’s try it again.” If the name-calling child doesn’t comply, then you give a consequence. The point is that you have set a standard in your home for how other people are treated. If you enforce this, you should be able to cut down on some of the day-to-day rude behavior.

Another option is to create opportunities for positive behavior and bonding. Have at least one fun family event each week that you plan together.

In our family we have a ritual called the “special plate.” Each night one person in the family is designated as “special.” That person eats off of a special plate and each family member takes a turn thanking that person for something nice/kind/fun that s/he did that would have otherwise gone unnoticed. The idea was developed by a mom whose two sons fought constantly. The impact that it had was to get the siblings looking for positive actions and sharing those with each other out loud. It’s a great way to start the meal and improve sibling relations.

We also have an annual “Sister’s Day” event. The two sisters pick an activity that they both enjoy, buy presents and make cards for each other and spend a day celebrating.

This next idea comes from “Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry” by Todd Cartmell. Cartmell suggests that you “Put your kids on the same team.”

To do this you first have a meeting with your kids. At the meeting you can point out that you’ve noticed that your kids are on “different teams” where one child is trying to one-up, beat-out or “win” against the other.

Instead, you want them to be on the same team “where if they treat each other respectfully, it works out for both of them.” As a parent you’re going to reward positive behaviors with points that can earn each of them rewards. Each child picks his/her own unique rewards.

“If they treat each other disrespectfully, it works out bad for both of them,” Cartmell says. They’re going to lose points and in fact, have consequences like time-outs and taking away privileges when they behave disrespectfully.

You must then lay out exactly what behaviors you consider “respectful” ie. sharing, taking turns, talking respectfully, using encouraging comments and getting a parent to help solve problems that they can’t.

Lay out what “disrespectful” behaviors are: hitting, kicking, pushing, shoving; name calling, arguing and shouting.

Assign points to both kids if you hear/see respectful behaviors. Take away points from both for disrespectful behavior unless one child is CLEARLY in the wrong. Give rewards when the kids have earned them and wean them off the rewards when you’ve had success for a few weeks.

Q. Both children want to talk to me at the same time, especially right before bed. What’s the best way to meet the needs of one but not leave the other out?

A. You could decide to set up a structure that each child gets 5 minutes of “chat time” at bedtime and make a rule that if one child interrupts you during that time that they lose their own chat time. Or you could set up “chat times” during other parts of the day so it doesn’t drag bedtime out too long.

I read about a mom who set up a “listening” chair at her house. She said that if her child had something very important to tell her that s/he could ask for time in the “listening” chair and she would snuggle there with the child and listen wholeheartedly and without interruption with what s/he had to say. Her kids loved this idea and responded well to it.

Q. How do you provide “equal” time/opportunities for each child so one doesn’t feel more “loved” than the other?

A. This sage advice comes from the book “Siblings without Rivalry.” Give up the notion that you have to be “fair” and “equal” in all things. You will never win that war. Instead, give your time based upon the individual need of the child at the time. So, for instance, if your first grader has 15 minutes of homework, help the child for 15 minutes. If your 3rd grader has to start a science project and it takes 45 minutes, so be it. You can set the younger child up with an activity to do on his/her own, but you’re not obligated to spend 45 minutes with the younger sibling at that time. Later, if your younger child is sick, you will spend more time with that child. Both kids will learn a valuable lesson: When s/he needs you, you will truly be there for him/her, too.

Q. How do you keep siblings from hurting each other physically?

A. First of all, it’s important to have a few family rules and consequences in place. Your first family rule should be that there’s no hitting or physically hurting anyone else in the house. Period. This is not negotiable and consequences are enforced for any infraction not matter who started it.

The other thing is that you can teach them a problem-solving method. When you hear an argument breaking out, you can ask each child “What’s the problem?” Give each child an opportunity to state the problem and then you rephrase it in neutral terms. i.e. “You’re having a sharing issue." Then you brainstorm solutions to the “sharing issue” by having each child provide some ideas that s/he has for solving the sharing issue. Then ask each person what s/he will do differently to prevent this from happening again? Then you have the children try the solution they developed and check out later how it worked.

Q. What do you recommend when the older child gets something that the younger one doesn’t and feels bad?

A. Empathy! It’s hard for the younger child to see the other one earning privileges or getting stuff that they aren’t developmentally ready to have, so tell the child that you recognize how painful this can be. Give the jealous, angry or sad feelings a name. If you have siblings, consider sharing a story about a time that you felt that way. Also, see if there’s something that the younger child gets that the older one doesn’t and casually mention a benefit of being a younger sibling, too.