What Boys and Girls Need

What’s the biggest question you have about raising boys and girls?

That was the question I raised to you a few weeks ago. You responded and I asked Kate Walsh Soucheray, a marriage and family therapist who presents workshops on gender issues, to share her views on the questions you raised.

To continue the conversation, click on the link to my blog and add your thoughts and any resources that you may value.

Reader’s Question: There is so much negative and violent humor in shows for teen boys. i.e. Family Guy. How does it affect them? How do you avoid it without making your child an outcast?

Kate’s Answer: The single best way for teen boys to avoid negative TV shows and have these shows not affect them negatively is to surround them with good, caring, interested, safe role models. When boys are involved in sports, scouts, church, after-school activities – all of which are well-supervised – younger boys and teen-age boys will receive positive influences that will serve to counteract the negativity of many TV shows and video games. Preventing the boys, or forbidding them, to watch or play these shows or games will often create a hunger for them that will be satiated, but in a negative and devious way, which is exactly what parents are trying to prevent.

If at all possible, having a parent accompany an upper-elementary age boy as he goes to his sporting activities, perhaps by coaching or being an assistant coach, will set up an expectation that this “is simply what our family does.” As the boy ages, he will be less likely to question his parent’s involvement and accept it as normal. It is family involvement that will often counteract the insidious negativity of the TV programs and games that are so troubling to parents.

Share your comments and any helpful resources here: http://blog.getparentinghelpnow.com

Reader’s Question: I'm raising two young girls. In this culture of sexual songs, skinny jeans and processed food, I struggle with the conversation about eating well without talking about body image. I do NOT talk about weight. I have to tell them to ignore everything they hear from anyone other than us - but kids naturally want to do the opposite.

A Reader’s Comment on Raising Girls: I think our media has become increasingly harmful to our girls self-image. As a parent I find that I have to be very aggressive regarding my communication of what is beautiful (and the like) to even begin to offset the very aggressive approach of the media. I don't think I can be as passive about it as I would typically prefer. We don't think the media messages are getting through to our girls, but they are - in very insidious ways.

Kate’s Answer: To tell young girls to ignore messages, whose primary mission is to fit in, may not work well. A girl is designed to connect and be influenced by her culture, whether this is in our current day or throughout history. A girl is designed for relationships and relationships are influential. Rather than to teach our teen-age girls to ignore the messages that are counter to what we are teaching at home, taking time to discuss the messages from the world, and how these messages are different from what we value, may be more helpful to the girls as they stand firmly for what they believe.

To logically understand why her home believes one way and not another will help the young girl take a stand in favor of what she has been taught. To tell her to ignore the messages, without parental input and discussion, does not work in this pervasive culture. Whether parents like it or not, and whether it is right or not, this culture is sneaky, invasive and persistent. Giving a daughter time to talk about important and relevant topics will help her figure out difficult situations when she faces them because she will better understand the values that underlie her decisions.

Young girls, like teen boys, greatly benefit from having positive role models in their lives who demonstrate alternative messages to the relentless, aggressive ideas presented by the media, whether from TV and movies or magazines and the Internet. These role models can portray a statement of worth, regardless of her physical appearance, that expresses her inner beauty and self-confidence.

Our culture is not going away. We have before us the choice and opportunity to have our voices heard, in spite of the volume at which this culture is screaming what determines beauty. We must not give up. Parents must remember how influential they are in their daughter’s lives and that they hold the key to helping them find the confidence within to recognize their own beauty and self-worth.

Editor’s Note: You can also access my article on “Raising a Child With a Positive Body Image” here: http://www.familiesfirstcoaching.com/newsletter_april2007.htm 

A book I recommend is: “Real Kids Come in All Sizes: 10 Essential Lessons to Build Your Child’s Body Esteem” by Kathy Kater.

Share your comments and any helpful resources here: http://blog.getparentinghelpnow.com

Reader’s Question: What I am seeing with boys is the aggressive/stubborn personality. Also, my son in particular, is often nervous to attempt new things and is fearful that he "can't" do something. We try to encourage him to try and to do his best. What also is difficult is he is often "bored" even though he has the toys and we or Santa buy him things that he can do independently.

Kate’s Answer: Boys, who often have a greater concern about whether they will appear weak or less able than their peers, may be less willing to attempt something new for fear of failure and ridicule. Being shamed is often the single most troubling fear for boys and most will avoid even the slightest chance of failure to avoid this sense of shame because it is so overwhelming for them. To a male, shame says not only what you did is wrong or unacceptable, but you yourself are flawed and unacceptable. It is often humiliating for a boy to experience shame and many do not have the ego strength to sustain it. The key for parents is to be available to talk with our boys when they have experienced failure and to assess if they are feeling shame. If this is the case, we have the opportunity to take time and reassure the boy or young man that everyone makes mistakes and that a mistake is not a character flaw.

The key here is to have a relationship with your son so that you are in tune with his moods and you can accurately assess his feelings. You will probably have to look for signs that will come out sideways – anger that is expressed in an inappropriate way, not wanting to have supper with the family, choosing new friends who are not good influences for him. Rather than getting angry at him, ask him if something happened at school today.

Don’t expect an answer to your question directly. It may take your son until the end of the day to talk about what is bothering him. And he may just wander into your presence and see if you are open to talking. Be aware – he probably won’t ask you. He’ll just nose around and see what kind of response he gets from you. So make yourself available, if at all possible, whenever you see him and you suspect he may want or need to talk. Put down what you’re doing, or sit down, and just wait.

An excellent resource is Real Boys by William Pollack and Kathleen Cushman, Villard Books, 2001.

Share your comments and any helpful resources here: http://blog.getparentinghelpnow.com

Reader’s Question: Boys and girls are so different in their relationships with friends. Having two older boys - I'm thrown for a loop on how to navigate the friendship woes of my daughter (grade school). How much should they learn on their own? How do we best offer advice? What's the best advice to give girls regarding the cliques and non-inclusion of others (both doing it and receiving the treatment).

Kate’s Answer: The key to this situation is for the younger daughter to feel heard and respected when she shares her concerns. If a parent has already raised older children, particularly children who have a different gender than a younger child, the impression may be given that the younger child is expected to do things the way the older siblings did. And if the younger child is a girl with older brothers, this could be detrimental to your daughter.

The older brothers should be cautioned to allow their younger sister to experience life as she does, with no comments about whether her feelings and impressions are right or wrong. To respect her view of life and to ask her questions about her vantage point can be enlightening for everyone involved.

There is no doubt this can be challenging to older siblings, who naturally have the belief that simply because they are older, they know better. Allowing the daughter to share her view of life, with no judgment or recrimination, will help her grow up to be trusting of life rather than wary that what she wants to say will be criticized and critiqued.

Share your comments and any helpful resources here: http://blog.getparentinghelpnow.com

Reader Question: At what age is the right age to begin talking about sex and important topics that are being discussed on the bus? Is this a sign of the times? At what age is it most appropriate to have a full-fledged discussion on sex topics with one's son or daughter? It seems kids are exposed to more at a younger age now than ever before through TV, music, and other social media. My child's bus ride to middle school has become a breeding ground for a lot of inappropriate discussion and misinformation. Is this normal through the ages, or a sign of the times we live in?

Kate’s Answer: Talking about sex, body image and relationships with our children should begin the first day our children come home with us, whether through birth, adoption or through any other means that a child comes into our homes. We have the opportunity to share our values each day, through our respect of one another or the way we handle comments that might hurt another person. Everything in our homes should convey a sense of respect for ourselves and others. The discussion about sex will flow from this sense of respect. What a family is looking to communicate to the children is a message of consistency and coherence in how the child can exist in the world. The child or young person will learn that the world is a safe place when they know they can rely on their family for love and support.

Editor’s Note: Amy Johnson, a parent coach and sexual education expert recommends these guidelines:

For infants and toddlers, use anatomically correct names for body parts and give positive messages about all body parts.

For preschoolers, begin to teach how babies are made in simple language. Begin to teach about privacy and set boundaries about socially appropriate behavior.

For elementary-aged children, discuss media messages and misinformation your child may be receiving.

For preteens and teens, use multiple modalities to teach your child about sexuality, pregnancy prevention and sexually transmitted diseases. Role play and discuss dating safety. Be an approachable parent who will answer any question.

An audio class called, "The Birds and the Bees: From Preschool to Puberty,” with much more helpful information from Amy is available here: http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/BirdsandBees.htm

Kate: Establish yourself as a “Askable Parent:” a parent who has built in time to be around when their children arrive home from school or from practice, are available to answer questions their children have at that crucial time of day. Such discussions often do not occur in the “quality time” we so often hear about, but rather the “quantity time” – that time when parents and kids are in the kitchen together or mom or dad are relaxed and just hanging out.

For more information about becoming an Askable Parent, check out this website:
http://www.iwannaknow.org/parents/overview.html

Share your comments and any helpful resources here: http://blog.getparentinghelpnow.com

Reader’s Question: How do we help kids have more confidence in themselves so that they don't feel they have to bully or put down their peers at school to feel good about themselves?

Kate: Helping a young person gain a sense of confidence begins at home when they feel valued and important to the people who are supposed to love them unconditionally – their family members. When a young person believes they are cherished and respected at home, they will take this sense of worthiness into their relationships outside the family. Knowing they are loved for who they are will help them begin the process of differentiation, which is both a separation of their own thoughts and feelings and a separation from the thoughts and feelings of others. This process is one we work on throughout our entire lives, and when it successfully begins in childhood, we have a much greater chance of fulfilling our life’s mission in adulthood. We will have less work to do in adulthood to figure out what we missed in childhood.

The bully chooses a child they believe will not stick up for themselves, one who will not adequately tell anyone of their mistreatment and one who will tolerate the bully’s advances, even if in pain. The key here is to help the child feel valued and special at home. The bully will not select a victim who is self-confident. It’s too risky. Rather, they select a peer whom they know believes they are lower on the social scale and who has less resiliency than the bully has.

In order for a child to gain confidence, this will occur primarily through spending time with people who care about them and love them deeply for who they are. If we want to equip our children to resist bullies, we must spend time with them, both quantity and quality, and express to them, through our expenditure of time and attention, how important they are to us. This is the greatest inoculation against bullies!

Check out this excellent book: Stick Up For Yourself: Every Kid’s Guide to Personal Power and Positive Self-Esteem by Kaufman and Raphael, Free Spirit Press, 1990.

Editor’s Note: I also have an audio class called, “Mean Girls (and Boys): Here’s What a Parent Can Do” that’s available here: http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/MeanGirlsAudio.htm. You can listen to the class immediately upon purchase.

Share your comments and any helpful resources here: http://blog.getparentinghelpnow.com 

Editor’s Note: Kate Walsh Soucheray is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Minnesota. In addition to a Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, she also holds a Master's Degree in Theology and currently teaches Religion at the high school level. Kate has been married for 28 years and she and her husband, John, have three adult children. You can reach Kate at: kwsoucheray@ifhwb.com