Are You a Discipline Wimp?

Your child wants ice cream at bedtime. You say “No” but your child persists, whining and bugging you until you finally give in to stop the incessant whining.

Your child wants to play with a friend, but you’ve said “No friends until your book report is done.” A friend calls to ask your child to a new movie that’s opened. You let him go to the movie, saying he can do the report that night.

Your child doesn’t pick up his/her toys when asked. You end up picking the toys up for your child.

You tell your child that s/he is grounded for a week. Do you stick to your guns or cave under the pressure?

Why is it so hard to be consistent in our discipline? That’s the million dollar question. Nine times out of ten, parents that I work with have a hard time following through with discipline. It’s a common problem.

There are obvious answers. We’re tired. We take the path of least resistance. The kids wear us down. But to really get to the bottom of this, I think we have to dig deeper. Some of the parents that I work with have been brave enough to bare their souls and have made real, significant changes by examining what holds them back in following through with reasonable discipline options.

Let’s start with the words “reasonable discipline.”  Did you really want to ground your child for a whole week or did you just say that out of anger? If your child did something really awful you may want to ground them for a week, but if you said it out of anger, you need to give yourself a break before you discipline your child so you don’t deal out a punishment that you won’t follow through on because it’s too harsh. Choose your words (and punishments) carefully.

Guilt. Oh boy, guilt is a big one. The majority of parents work outside the home now. Do you feel guilty when your child is in the care of others for 6 or 8 or 10 hours a day? Most parents do. Our guilt drives us to try and make up the time lost with them by turning the time we do have together into “fun” time. We don’t want to play the “heavy” if we only have 3 or 4 hours a day together.

My child won’t like me. Your child won’t like the action that you took. That part is true. Who likes to be punished? But you have a long, deep and endearing relationship with your child with thousands of investments you’ve made in caring for them. Stephen Covey calls this “an emotional bank account.” If you have enough goodwill stored up in the back account, occasional punishments will not empty the bank account permanently. Your child will still love you, but they will pout and stomp and be unhappy about the punishment. Try to separate the action that you’re taking from the personal attribution.

My child needs me. This one is tough. If your child is begging for one more bedtime story you believe your child NEEDS you and you want to fulfill that need. Isn’t that your job as a parent? Try to examine where your child’s need is coming from and your own need to be needed. Are there other times of day when you can connect in meaningful ways with your child? Is it your job to ensure that your child gets adequate sleep? Try to look at various needs your child has and weigh what’s most important to fill at the time.

It will hurt my child’s feelings. The truth is that sometimes your child’s feelings will be hurt. If you don’t let your child go to the movie with a friend because his book report isn’t done, whose fault was it? Your child procrastinated for two days. He had ample time to complete it earlier but chose to play video games instead. You outlined the consequences, but your child chose to ignore them.  Should your child learn from his mistakes or should you prevent him from feeling the “pain” of actions he took?

The consequences of being inconsistent in our discipline are actually quite grave. Your child will learn that s/he cannot trust you. Your child will lose respect for you. Your child will not develop a set of boundaries that delineate between parent and child, authority figure/child. Your child will not have a firm, reliable structure to count on. Your child will feel insecure.

Your child will have a false set of empowerment. They will feel in charge, when they really need you to be. The child will learn that you hold them to a lower standard and in fact, that you believe they are incapable of meeting the standard that you set. They will learn that they don’t have to meet standards because standards are negotiable. They will ultimately lose respect for themselves because they are learning that they are not responsible for their own behavior.

So the next time you feel like letting the consequence go,  think of all the good that can come from positive discipline methods, consistently applied. Your child will feel more secure. Life will be more predictable for your child. Some crises will be avoided. Your child will learn to do things for him/herself. Your child will learn appropriate boundaries. Your child will learn self-care. Your child will learn that you are trustworthy, reliable and responsible. The firm structure that you build will enhance your child’s self-esteem. Some nasty behaviors will subside because there are consequences.

When you’ve been a “discipline wimp” try to figure out what held you back from being firm. Then pick one of the consequences of parental inconsistency that hit you in the gut. Ie. My child cannot believe what I say. Repeat it to yourself the next time you discipline your child. Make it your mantra for future use. By keeping your eye on the prize, responsible, confident and capable young adults, you’ll be more likely to set, and keep (!) firm limits.