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Table of Contents - March
2011
Feature Article: Crazy-Busy? Five
Good Reasons to Scale Back
Parenting Tip: Respected Resource for Green Products
Upcoming Classes: “10 Key Strategies for Improving Work/Life
Balance”
A Good Read: Kids are Worth It
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Crazy-Busy? Five Good Reasons to Scale Back
Consider what I’ve heard from parents the last few
days:
“I have no life of my own. My daughter’s in traveling basketball.” T-shirt
slogan on one proud mom’s back.
“We got home from hockey practice at 11 p.m. last night.” The parent of a
10-year-old girl on a school night.
“Mary has her 5-year-old son involved in five different activities. She also has
five other children. She’s running ragged.” A 42-year-old mom talking about a
friend.
“My husband and I won’t be home at the same time for the next three weeks to
have dinner together.” Mom of two elementary-school children.
“Our son can’t go on vacation with us this spring break or he’ll lose his spot
on the basketball team. It’s been that way for the last three years.” The parent
of a high school boy.
“We’ve had basketball tournaments 12 out of the last 13 weekends. My husband
takes one boy and I take the other boy. We have no family time.” The parent of
an elementary-school child and a middle-school child.
Sound familiar? Are you crazy-busy, too? Does your life revolve around your
child and his/her activities?
You might ask, “What’s the harm in that?”
Well, it depends.
How stressed are you orchestrating all of these events? How stressed is your
child?
Do you and your child have down time every day?
Are you and your child getting enough sleep?
Do you have passions of your own you pursue?
Do you have couple time?
Are most of the family resources of time, energy and money going to the children
and their events?
If so, you may be sending your child the wrong message. Consider these reasons
for scaling back your child’s activities.
Reason #1: You may be sending the message that “doing” is more important
than “being.”
When parents over schedule their children and stress performance more than fun,
a child learns that s/he will be defined and judged by the activities that they
are involved in, the things that they achieve and the success they’re having.
Children may believe that a parent’s love is tied to the child’s
accomplishments.
When children feel loved for “being” they know that they are loved for who they
are no matter what.
When love becomes conditional upon a child’s achievement, it can be “lethal,”
according to Hara Estroff Marano, author of “Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of
Invasive Parenting.”
“It turns kids into perfectionists, which is a one-way ticket to misery for a
lifetime. It’s almost a guarantee of depression. Kids feel like they can never
do well enough. At best, such kids will never be good problem solvers, they’ll
never be innovators. At best they’ll be conformists throughout life,” said
Estroff Marano.
“Wrapping family life totally around a child’s schedule is a bad idea for so
many reasons. Traveling sports is really bad for kids because it really grows
out of adults’ needs. Parents are organizing it. They tell the kids where to
stand and where to play. They schedule their time. It’s not growing organically
from the needs of the kids,” according to Estroff Marano.
“Free play, where kids come together, set their own rules and decide how to play
the game builds the brain. It builds the parts of the brain where kids learn to
pay attention and learn to get control over their behavior. Although play
doesn’t look goal directed, it winds up giving kids the mental machinery for
being goal-directed in the future. It’s vitally important for growth,” Estroff
Marano said.
Reason #2: There’s been a dramatic rise in the level of narcissism in
college freshmen, according to University of San Diego research.
A study conducted of 16,000 university students across the United States showed
30 percent of students were narcissistic in psychological tests, compared with
15 percent in 1982.
(
http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/lifematters/new-generation-infected-by-narcissism-says-psychologist-20110302-1bewf.html
Narcissists have an “inflated sense of self, lacked empathy, are vain and
materialistic and have an overblown sense of entitlement, “ according to Jean
Twenge, professor of psychology at San Diego State University and author of the
study.
When a disproportionate amount of time, expense and energy are spent on a
child’s life and activities, the child comes to believe that they are the center
of the universe. It sets a precedent for the child that my needs come first and
yours can wait.
Be on the lookout for narcissism in your school-aged child using these tips
from Michelle Borba, author of “The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.”
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Does your
child think “everything is about me?”
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Can your
child handle the word, “no?” If s/he
can’t handle “no” then that’s actually a
sign of narcissism because s/he doesn’t
have boundaries.
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Does your
child say “give me” and always wants
more?
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Your child
is never really satisfied.
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Instead of
thinking of other people, your child
thinks “How is everything going to play
out for me?”
Reason
#3: Stress may be affecting your own health
in surprising ways.
Common effects of stress on your
body include: headache, muscle tension,
chest pain, fatigue, change in sex drive,
stomach upset and sleep problems, according
to the American Psychological Association's
"Stress in America" report, 2010.
This report also noted changes in mood and
behavior for those experiencing stress. An
increase in anxiety, restlessness, lack of
motivation or focus, irritability or anger,
and sadness or depression are common effects of
stress on mood.
Stress can even have effects on your
behavior including overeating or undereating,
anger outbursts, drug or alcohol abuse,
tobacco use or social withdrawal, the study
found.
Reason #4: Over scheduling and over
emphasis on performance could be setting
your child up for mental illness.
In the book, “Shedding Light on Mental
Illness,” Brad Stenfield found that “Trying
to excel at many activities instead of
enjoying one or two may contribute to a
child’s mental illness.”
Estroff Marano found an “astonishing rate”
of mental illnesses on college campuses.
Marano consulted
400 campus counseling centers around North
America, and discovered that record numbers
of kids are breaking down psychologically.
Major depression, anxiety disorders, panic
attacks, eating disorders, self mutilation,
especially among girls, and binge drinking
were all prevalent on college campuses.
The American College Health Survey found
that 25% of students are experiencing
serious depression and that doesn’t count
the other disorders, according to Estroff
Marano.
Reason #5: We’re parenting backwards.
Borba suggests that we’ve redefined
parenting. Instead of who you are with your
child, it’s all about what you do and the
parent with the longest list wins.
“We’ve gotten ourselves into the
rubbernecking phase where we’re competitive
as parents. We obviously love our kids to
death, but we’re always watching what
everybody else is doing instead of doing
what is really good parenting: tailoring your
parenting to thy child instead of thy
neighbor’s next door kid," Borba said.
Parents are “very, very judgmental” of other
parents these days, said Estroff Marano.
Parents are judging other parents based on
the level of participation in a child’s
activities and the number of activities.
Yet, attachment, closeness and bonding are
what a child needs most from a parent rather
than the busyness.
“Forty years from now, do you want your
child to say, ‘Boy, my parent sure drove a
mean carpool.’ Or ‘My parent really listened
to me and was there when I really needed
them,” Borba said.
A great tip is to simply ask your child, “Is
your load too heavy?”
A KidsHealth survey found that “80% of kids
wish they had more free time and 41% said
they are feeling stressed most of the time
because they have too much to do.
If only their parents had asked.
You can print out and take the “Is Your
Child Overscheduled?” quiz here:
http://www.familiesfirstcoaching.com/pdf/IsYourChildOverscheduledAssessment.pdf
Then, join me on Wed., March 30 for the “10
Key Strategies for Improving Work/Family
Balance” teleclass.
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“10 Key Strategies
for Improving Work/Life Balance” Teleclass March 30.
Run, run, run. That’s what life can feel like.
You constantly feel torn in several directions. You
probably aren’t taking any time for yourself and
couple time has completely fallen off the radar
screen.
You may be feeling depleted, stressed or
short-tempered with all of the demands on your time.
Take 60-minutes for yourself to learn 10 key
strategies that will bring more sanity to your life
on Wed., March 30.
http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/Balance.htm
Attend this class, by telephone, and you’ll
leave with 10 practical strategies that will:
Register here now:
http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/Balance.htm
Who: Parents who are too busy.
What: A one-hour telephone class
called “10 Key Strategies for Improving Work/Life
Balance”
Where: Call in from home or work for
this “teleclass.”
When: Wed., March 30, Noon- 1 PM CT
(1-2 PM ET/11-12 AM MT, 10-11 AM PT) If you can’t
attend that day, sign up anyway and I’ll send you a
replay of the class the next day.
Cost: $14.97.
Register now at :
http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/Balance.htm
Email me at
toni@getparentinghelpnow.com or call me at
612-810-8687 if you have any questions
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Parenting Tip
Respected Resource for
Green Products
Dara O’Rourke, a
professor of environmental policy at the
University of California, was putting sunscreen
on his two-year-old child one day when he looked
at the ingredients in the sunscreen and realized
that the sunscreen contained “a
hormone-disrupting chemical, a suspected
carcinogen activated by sunlight, and several
skin irritants."
The experience was
alarming enough to motivate O’Rourke to develop
a guide for helping other people learn about
products that are safe to use and those that
aren’t.
With the help of his students he created
www.goodguide.com, a “Web-based system that
rates consumer products—personal care, food,
household cleaners, and toys, so far—on their
health, environmental, and social impacts.
O’Rourke’s idea is to take academic-quality
research and make it accessible to average
people, empowering them to find healthier,
greener products. Today the company provides
ratings for more than 75,000 items. Last month
300,000 people visited its site, and its free
iPhone app—which lets consumers scan bar codes
to pull up product ratings—has been downloaded
half a million times.”
The site is highly respected by professional and
consumers because O’Rourke takes scientific data
and makes it user-friendly to the public.
Source:
http://www.newsweek.com/2010/10/18/how-to-choose-the-greenest-consumer-products.html
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UPCOMING TELECLASSES
Take these classes from
the comfort of your home or office! You'll join
other parents, via telephone, for parenting tips and
a lively discussion all while sitting in your
favorite armchair! There's no need to waste time
driving to classes when you participate from home or
your office in a 'teleclass.'
“10 Key Strategies
for Improving Work/Life Balance” - Reduce your
stress, feel less guilt and find more joy by
learning 10 key strategies that will bring more
balance to your life.
Wed., March 30, Noon- 1 PM CT (1-2 PM
ET/11-12 AM MT, 10-11 AM PT). If you can’t attend
that day, sign up anyway and I’ll send you a replay
of the class the next day. Register now at:
http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/Balance.htm
UPCOMING TELECLASSES
“Bullying Hurts
Kids: Help Your Child Cope and Conquer” and “Proven
Strategies for Reducing Sibling Hassles” -
Tues., March 1, 9:30 a.m., Hennepin County Foster
Parents.
“Curb Back Talk and Whining” - Wed., March 2,
6:30 p.m., Amazing Grace Lutheran Church.
“How Understanding Your Child’s Temperament Can
Help You be a Better Parent” - Wed., March 9, 6
p.m., Augustana Lutheran Church.
“Mean Girls (and Boys): Here’s What a Parent Can
Do” - Thurs., March 10, 7 p.m., Anoka Hennepin
Community Education. For more info: 763.506.1277
Toni offers 18 different
parent education classes. If you’d like to book Toni
at your company or organization, please go to:
http://www.familiesfirstcoaching.com/Pages/Speakerspage.html
or call Toni at
612-810-8687.
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A Good Read
Each month a parent
provides a review of a parenting book they've
enjoyed. Please e-mail
toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com to share a good
read with other parents.
“Kids
are Worth It”
By Barbara Coloroso
“I heard about this book when my kids were little
and I refer back to it all the time. It was written
by a woman who was a nun for years and left to get
married. She became a teacher and had three
children.
The book has three tenants that parents should base
their actions on:
1) Children are worth it.
2) I won’t treat my child in a way that I myself
would not want to be treated.
3) If it works and leaves a child’s, and my own,
dignity intact, then do it.
There are chapters on bedtime, meal time and other
common problem areas. She provides examples of how
different parents handle problems that are real and
tangible. Coloroso talks about how parents can set
up building blocks so children gain more
responsibility as they age. The book can be used for
kids from toddler to teenhood.
I really liked the humor in the book. It’s very
useable. It has a Christian background and can be
helpful to many parents.” Lynda Bartlette
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Toni Schutta, Publisher, Families First Coaching Newsletter
Toni Schutta is a Parent Coach with a Master's
Degree in Psychology and 16 years experience working
with children and families. She's also the mother of
two wonderful children, a Licensed Psychologist, a
certified graduate of the Mentor Coach Foundations
Program, a member of The Parent Coaches Association,
an author, speaker and past radio host.
Families First Coaching
is an organization devoted to building strong
families by empowering parents with practical
information, easy-to-use tools and helpful resources
that will help you be the best parent possible.
Individual parent coaching sessions are available
along with parent-to-parent support groups and
parent education classes. Check out the websites at
http://www.familiesfirstcoaching.com and
http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com for a
complete list of services. |
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