What to do About Lying

A new survey shows that the average adult tells four lies a day, or 1,460 lies a year. Is it any wonder that our children tell fibs, too?

Yet chances are when your child tells a whopper, it makes you mad.

Why do kids lie?

Kids lie for lots of reasons. One of the biggest reasons is to avoid punishment. After all, what child likes being grounded or losing privileges?

A wonderful mom I work with shared a story about a time her child lied. Her son was in math class taking a big test. When the test was handed out her child also received the answer grid! Her child decided to copy the answers. Later, when the teacher confronted him, he lied and said he had not cheated.

Her son was a good student who hadn’t been in trouble before. In fact, he admired his math teacher. He lied not only to try and escape punishment, but also because he was embarrassed and worried what his teacher would think of him. Sometimes kids lie to avoid disappointing adults they care about.

Other times, kids will lie to side-step a sticky situation or perhaps to get attention. Sometimes kids tell lies to elevate their social standing among peers or to gain an advantage. Other times, a child may feel threatened, insecure or guilty.

So, what should you do when your child lies?

One solution is to tell kids who have done something wrong, “You’re going to receive one consequence for the bad choice you just made, but if you lie to me about it, you’re going to receive two consequences.” Normally, this approach will inspire children to tell the truth. When they do tell you the truth, then praise them for taking responsibility for their actions and tell them how much you value honesty.

If you sense that the child is feeling threatened, insecure, guilty or embarrassed, you can talk with the child about those feelings by saying, “You seem kind of embarrassed. Tell me more.”

You can also say, “That’s not how it happened. I need you to tell me the truth.”

Sometimes you may inadvertently be setting your child up to lie. Let’s say that you know that your child just broke your favorite vase and you ask the child, “Did you break that vase?” Chances are that the child will lie to avoid the punishment, save face, etc. Instead, what you could say is “I see that the vase is broken” and then take steps to clean it up, determine a consequence, etc. but the focus of the interaction is on SOLUTIONS rather than BLAME.

Or, you can take T. Berry Brazelton’s advice. He urges parents to stay calm and say, “We both know that what you said isn’t true. You don’t need to lie. I can stand the truth and so can you.”

And let’s not forget that you are your child’s role model. Perhaps we can all work on lying fewer than 1,460 times per year!

 

"Free" Time!

What does your family do for fun that doesn’t cost a lot of money? Please share your ideas.

Photo Scavenger Hunt

This idea comes from Arlene Azevedo, a mom who wrote in to Family Fun magazine. Arlene invented a game called “Photo Challenge.” She gives her daughter a digital camera to use along with a list of 40 things to photograph and a 15-minute time limit. The instructions she gives her daughter are to photograph different objects: something that’s cold, something that lights up, something that smells good, etc. After the scavenger hunt her daughter can develop some of her favorite pictures.
 

Toni Schutta, Publisher, Families First Coaching Newsletter

Toni Schutta is a Parent Coach with a Master's Degree in Psychology and 14 years experience working with children and families. She's also the mother of two wonderful children, a Licensed Psychologist, a certified graduate of the Mentor Coach Foundations Program and a member of the International Coach Federation and The Parent Coaches Association.

Families First Coaching is an organization devoted to building strong families by empowering parents with practical information, easy-to-use tools and helpful resources that will help you be the best parent possible. Individual parent coaching sessions are available along with parent-to-parent support groups and parent education classes. Check out the websites at http://www.familiesfirstcoaching.com  and http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com for a complete list of services.