Families First Coaching Newsletter

Feature Article: "Why is My Child Misbehaving?"
Parent-to-Parent: "Bad" Friends / The Morning Rush
A Good Read: "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk"
Free Time: "Toy Store Escape"
Positive Discipline Methods: Change the Environment
Upcoming Classes

Why is My Child Misbehaving?

I know that as parents we’ve all wondered, “Why the heck is she behaving this way?” Or “Why on earth can’t he just behave?”

I’d like to offer you some ideas today about common causes of a child’s misbehavior. I’ll also offer some pointers on how to address the misbehavior if you get a gut feel about the reason behind the misbehavior.

There’s a wonderful book called “The Parent’s Handbook” by Don Dinkmeyer and Gary D. McKay, that helps to demystify some of the reasons that kids misbehave. The authors suggest that the best way to determine the goal of your child’s misbehavior is to look at your own feeling and reaction to the situation and then see what your child’s response is after you try to correct the problem. The first four reasons that I’ll share with you come from the handbook. The others are mine.

Common Causes of Misbehavior

Attention. This is a very common root cause of misbehavior. You are likely to feel annoyed. Your child is likely to temporarily stop the misbehavior but then resume it again not long after. Your best strategy is to ignore the problem. Try focusing your praise and attention on positive behaviors that you want them to repeat. Try redirecting them. Also call a spade a spade and just tell them. “I see that you want my attention right now. Can you think of a positive way of getting my attention instead?"
Power. Oh, boy. Haven’t we all been there? As a parent you will likely feel angry and feel like your parental authority is being usurped. If your child complies, they’ll be defiant about it and if not, you’ll be engaged in a big power struggle with someone who wants to “win.” Try to find a way to gain your child’s cooperation. Be creative. Ask them to help you solve the problem. Look for a way that both parties can win by trying to involve your child in the solution.
Revenge. You will likely feel very hurt and want revenge, too! After you try to correct your child, they will keep trying to hurt you, emotionally. You can be honest with them and tell them that their words have hurt you and you are saddened by that. Reassure the child that s/he is still loved and look for ways to shore up your “attachment” by spending time alone with that child.
Display of Inadequacy. You may feel hopeless, or feel like giving up, too. Your child will likely be unresponsive to your immediate reassurances. This problem will take time to resolve because it’s a self-esteem issue. Stay positive! Focus on strengths. Praise even baby steps toward progress. Don’t give up on the child!
Imitation. You will probably feel embarrassed. The child may be confused when you try to correct the behavior. As we all know kids imitate us. They may not even understand that what they’re doing is wrong. If you’re the culprit modeling something inappropriate (ie.swearing, slamming doors) you have to change your behavior.
Testing. I bet a day doesn’t go by when we are not tested. You may feel tired or worn down. Your child may sense your weakness and continue as long as you might give in. Develop family rules that are most important to you. Those rules are non-negotiable. (Ie. No hitting, biting or kicking.) Agree before hand what the consequence will be, too, so you’re prepared with your response. Then enforce the consequence consistently so the child knows that you’re serious. Don’t cave on house rules.
Developmental Change. When your child starts kindergarten, for instance, the tension of making a developmental transition can come out as misbehavior. You may feel confused because things were going along smoothly for awhile and now this! The child will be resistant to your intervention because they’re feeling overwhelmed and don’t know an appropriate way of expressing it. Approach the child with empathy and respect for the big changes they are undergoing. Try to help them put into words how stressful it can be. See if you need to adjust your rules to be more age-appropriate and look at ways to offer them more independence if they’re ready for it.
Tired, Hungry or Sick. Don’t underestimate the amount of misbehavior that can be attributed to these problems. Make sure your child is getting 10-12 hours of sleep a night consistently. Have a regular snack schedule and eliminate or cut back on activities when your child is recovering from an illness.

Positive Discipline Options

Each month a positive discipline option is offered. Collect them all and expand your repertoire!

Definition: The word "discipline" is from the root word "disciple" which means "one who teaches." The essence of discipline, therefore, is to provide a learning experience for the child to grow. (Provided by Dave Hudson)

Change the Environment

When our children were young, we put up gates, plugged our electrical outlets, etc. in an effort to keep our home safe for our children and to accommodate the developmental stage that our child was at.
Changing the environment is a "discipline" skill that can be used with children of all ages. When a child displays a negative behavior, stop and think if there are changes that you could make to make it easier for your child to follow the rule or to make the environment more kid-friendly?
For instance, if you’re concerned that your child is watching too much TV, move the TV out of their bedroom.
If your children like to wrestle in the living room, take out the breakable items and let them go at it!
If you trip over their shoes when you walk in the door, buy a show organizer for outside the door.
Convert one of your least-used rooms into toy central and let them set up forts and buildings that can remain standing until they tire of it.
I think you get the picture. Whenever possible, try to find ways to accommodate the natural inclinations of your children, adding or subtracting something in the environment.

Upcoming TeleClasses

Take these classes from the comfort of home! You'll join other parents, via telephone, for parenting tips and a lively discussion all while sitting in your favorite armchair! There's no need to waste time driving to classes when you can participate from home in a "teleclass."

“Relief for Homework Headaches” is a parenting class designed to help parents solve the most common homework problems. Parents will learn how the homework brain works, methods for identifying their child’s learning style and ways to make learning fun. Parents will leave the class with strategies for motivating their child, plans for creating rituals that provide consistency and a “checklist for change.” Come to “school” for 75 minutes and find relief that will last throughout the year! Monday, November 7, Noon – 1:15 p.m. CT, (1:00-2:15 p.m. ET) ($25) To register: Send an e-mail to toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com or call 612-810-8687 with any questions.

“Overscheduled? Take Action to Improve Your Work/Family Balance”
Feeling torn in many different directions? Ever riddled by guilt? Rarely have time for yourself? This two-part session will help you examine your life and how happy you are with your current choices. Tools for assessing balance will be provided along with steps you can take to live the life you want! JUST $49 for both sessions, a $49 savings! This "class" will be done privately, so you can register at your convenience. To register: Send an e-mail to toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com or call 612-810-8687 with any questions.

IN-PERSON CLASSES

“Relief for Homework Headaches” is a parenting class designed to help parents solve the most common homework problems. Parents will learn how the homework brain works, methods for identifying their child’s learning style and ways to make learning fun. Parents will leave the class with strategies for motivating their child, plans for creating rituals that provide consistency and a “checklist for change.” Come to “school” for 60 minutes and find relief that will last throughout the year! Wed., Nov. 2, 11:30 a.m., Medtronic Corporation.

"Managing Your Child’s Anger: Triggers and Solutions for Coping" Has your child had a tantrum lately, thrown toys across the room or hit a sibling? Odds are that s/he has! Children’s anger can be exacerbating for parents. Come to this class to learn common triggers for a child’s anger, solutions for coping, and skills to teach your child so you’ll both be less frazzled!

Thurs., Nov. 3, 7 p.m.-8:15 p.m., Private Class in Woodbury, MN.

**NEW CLASS**“Parents: Reclaim Your Couple Time!” In today’s busy world, many couples find their lives revolving around their children’s activities. Time to connect as a couple seems like a luxury few can afford. If you’re a couple who’d like to reclaim time with your spouse, please join us for this class. This 90-minute class will allow couples to focus on each other, and to develop a concrete plan to enrich their lives together. Tues., Nov. 8, 7 p.m.-8:30 p.m., Incarnation Lutheran Church, Shoreview, MN, Free. Call 484-7213 to pre-register.

“Bullying Hurts: How to Help Your Child Cope and Conquer” The sad truth is that bullying is rampant in our children’s schools. Estimates are that half of all school children experience the stress and anxiety that results from bullying. Very practical, step-by-step ideas will be taught so that parents can leave with concrete tools for empowering their children. Wed., Nov. 9, Noon- 1p.m., Working Family Resource Center, St. Paul, MN. Call Michael to register at 651-293-5330.

“Bullying Hurts: How to Help Your Child Cope and Conquer” The sad truth is that bullying is rampant in our children’s schools. Estimates are that half of all school children experience the stress and anxiety that results from bullying. Very practical, step-by-step ideas will be taught so that parents can leave with concrete tools for empowering their children. Thurs., Nov. 10, 6:30 p.m.,Highland Elementary, Columbia Heights, MN.

**NEW CLASS**“Parents: Reclaim Your Couple Time!” In today’s busy world, many couples find their lives revolving around their children’s activities. Time to connect as a couple seems like a luxury few can afford. If you’re a couple who’d like to reclaim time with your spouse, please join us for this class. This two-hour class will allow couples to focus on each other, and to develop a concrete plan to enrich their lives together. Wed., Nov. 16, 6:30-8:30 p.m., Free, St. Odilia’s, Shoreview, MN.

“Bullying Hurts: How to Help Your Child Cope and Conquer” The sad truth is that bullying is rampant in our children’s schools. Estimates are that half of all school children experience the stress and anxiety that results from bullying. Very practical, step-by-step ideas will be taught so that parents can leave with concrete tools for empowering their children. Sat., Nov. 19, 10 a.m. - 11:15 a.m., Central Pediatrics, Woodbury, $20. To register: Call Toni at 612-810-8687 or e:mail her at: toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com

Parent-to-Parent

This is a place for parents to exchange ideas. Would you like to get ideas from other parents about a parenting concern? Do you have good ideas that might help another parent? Feel free to contribute!!

For Nov.: It seems that no matter what I try, we still have morning hassles and difficulty getting out the door on time. Any suggestions would be appreciated.” T.I.

Readers, give us your ideas!! How have you successfully handled this problem?
Just send your responses to: news@familiesfirstcoaching.com . I'll
share your suggestions next month. Feel free to pose a question, too!!

From Last Month: My child is developing friendships with some kids that I don't necessarily approve of. Any ideas how to handle that? J.M.

Readers responded with these ideas:

“You do not have control over who your child plays with at school, but you do have control over the friends they invite to your house and when they go to a friend’s house. If you don’t want to encourage the relationship, you can just call that child a “school friend” and not encourage more contact than that.” S.L.

“I would talk to my child about my concerns and try to teach her strategies for dealing with the peer pressure she is facing from this “friend.” This may be good training ground for learning what those skills are. I would tell her that while I’m not wild about her friend, it is her decision about who she likes and dislikes. I would not take her to see this friend outside of school, though.” D.K.

“I would set rules about how she could interact with the child. For instance, I might allow them to play at my house so I could see first hand what this girl is like and also be able to supervise the activities. I wouldn’t allow her to go to the other child’s house or be in unsupervised situations, however.” B.R.

A Good Read

What's the name of a parenting book, website or article that you've enjoyed? Please share your thoughts with other parents! Please include the name of the book, the author, and the year it was published. Also, include what you liked about the book.

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

“This book is very practical. It boils down to treating children with respect. For instance, if your child says “I’m cold.” You shouldn’t say “No you’re not.” Rather, you should try to see the world from their eyes. The important thing is not to negate their feelings, but rather open your eyes to who they are and how they’re feeling.

The book has comic strips with real-life conversations and how to improve them. For instance, a dad is watching TV and basically ignoring his child while the child is trying to tell him something. Obviously, the dad should give the child his full attention when the child is trying to reach him.

The book is very conversational and user-friendly. They do suggest that you read one chapter a week and try to implement changes. There are also practice assignments so you can try to improve the way you communicate with your child. I think it’s an excellent read.” S.N.

"Free" Time!

What does your family do for fun that doesn't cost a lot of money?? Let's share some ideas!!

“I visit toy stores that have sample and demo tables (like train tables) with the plan NOT to buy something, but simply to let my boys play with new toys and sample them. The Lego store at Mall of America is a great spot to do this. November is a great time to do this to see what toys might be good holiday presents.” K.J.

Toni Schutta, Publisher, Families First Coaching Newsletter

Toni Schutta is a Parent Coach with a Master's Degree in Psychology and 11 years experience working with children and families. She's also the mother of two wonderful children, a Licensed Psychologist, a certified graduate of the Mentor Coach Foundations Program and a member of the International Coach Federation.

Families First Coaching is an organization devoted to building strong families by empowering parents with practical information, easy-to-use tools and helpful resources that will help you be the best parent possible. Individual parent coaching sessions are available along with parent-to-parent support groups and parent education classes. Check out the website at http://www.familiesfirstcoaching.com for a complete list of services.

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