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Table of Contents - November,
2006
Feature Article: "Steps Parents Need to
Take to Prevent Sexual Abuse"
Parent-to-Parent: The Gimmees / “Potty” Talk
A Good Read: "Parenting From the Inside Out"
Free Time: Toy Demos
Positive Discipline Methods: Anger Triggers for Parents
Upcoming Classes
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Steps Parents Need to Take to Prevent Sexual
Abuse
Have you taught
your child about “good touch/bad touch”? That’s
a good place to start, but not enough to protect
your child from possible sexual abuse, according
to Libby Bergman, executive director of the
Center for Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment.
“Children need to know the difference between
what touches are acceptable and what touches are
not. They also need to be taught about stranger
danger, but these methods put the onus on the
child. As parents, we need to take the bulk of
responsibility for protecting our children,”
Bergman said.
Bergman has dedicated her working life to
helping parents prevent their child(ren) from
being abused. Bergman has worked as a therapist
helping children recover from abuse and she
wants parents to know what other steps to take
so children don’t end up victimized.
The stark facts are that one in three girls will
be sexually abused by the time they are 18 years
of age. One in seven boys will be sexually
abused by the time they are 18.
Given those appalling statistics, I interviewed
Bergman and asked her to share her findings on
the most important steps that we should take to
protect our children.
Q. Why is it no longer enough to just teach
kids about “good touch/bad touch”?
A.
“By the age of 7 or 8 most children will have
had some “good touch/bad touch” education from
their parents, school, daycare, etc. This
teaches children the difference between good and
bad touch, they learn a little about how to
resist bad touch and to tell an adult when they
have a bad touch. They learn to ‘RUN YELL TELL!’
While this is better than no education, this
makes our children responsible for protecting
themselves. Protecting children and preventing
abuse is our job.
Also, 90% of ‘bad touch’ occurs at the hands of
a trusted adult, who frequently is caring for
the child at the time of the abuse. This makes
it almost impossible for the child to resist or
avoid it. When children do tell, it’s after the
fact meaning that the prevention didn’t occur.
Q. How are you defining sexual abuse?
A. “Most people think of the type of abuse
sensationalized on TV shows and news reports,
but sexual abuse is any sexual activity with a
child by an adult, adolescent or older child.
These acts may include touching the child’s
private parts or asking the child to touch the
perpetrator’s private parts as well as sexual
behaviors that do not include touching like
peeping, flashing, inappropriately photographing your child or
showing adult-oriented pictures to a child.”
Q. What have you learned about perpetrators
from your research?
A. “Offenders can be male or female, young or
old, illiterate or PH.Ds and from any economic
or ethnic group. Most children are sexually
abused by people known to them. 90% of abuse
happens by a trusted adult or teen. 34% of abuse
happens by a relative. 50% of offenders are
under age 18.
A psychologist who interviewed 1,000 convicted
predators found that many are married with
children and work. They attack in everyday
situations like day care, schools, athletic
events and health care settings. Most never have
to use force. They manipulate the children.”
Q. What concrete steps should parents take?
A.
-
Make an effort
to know your children’s friends and their
families.
-
Children need
to be supervised appropriately for their age
and maturity. Thoroughly screen and
interview people who watch your children.
-
Children need
to know who they can talk to if they have a
problem. Parents need to work toward
becoming “ask-able” parents. Practice
discussing feelings and situations. Focus on
being a good listener, not reacting to
things your child says or trying to fix
everything.
-
Teach your
children basic sexual education. (See
resource list.) Perpetrators are more likely
to pick children who are naïve.
-
Do not instruct
children to give relatives hugs and kisses.
This teaches them they have control over
their body. Let them express affection on
their own terms.
-
Define abuse
for your child and explain the importance of
reporting abuse to you or another trusted
adult.
-
It’s important
to warn children about strangers, but it’s
equally important to protect them from the
friend or family member who might abuse
them. Role play different scenarios with
them.
-
Children need
to know that their bodies belong to them and
that they have a right to say “no” if they
feel uncomfortable about the way they’re
being touched. Model this in your home and
read books on the topic. (See resource list.)
-
Teach children
appropriate names for body parts and show
them you are comfortable talking about all
parts of the body.
-
Teach them that
no one should touch the private parts of
their body. (Books on resource list.)
-
Teach children
the correct names of body parts.
-
Let children
know that it’s OK sometimes to challenge
adults. Perpetrators tend to pick children
who are obedient and compliant.
-
Let your
children know that it’s never OK to get in a
car with someone unless they have your
permission first. Develop a code for
emergencies.
-
It’s imperative
to trust your “gut” instincts about people.
Teach your child to honor “funny” or
uncomfortable feelings about someone and to
avoid that person.
Recommended Books for Teaching Body Safety
“It’s OK to Say No” Amy Bahr
“Sometimes It’s OK to Tell Secrets” Amy Bahr
“Your Body is Your Own” Amy Bahr
“My Body is Private” by Linda Walvoord Girard
“Better Safe Than Sorry” Gordon Sol
“Something Happened and I’m Scared to Tell”
Patricia Kehoe
“Touching” Jody Bengsma
“Tom Doesn’t Visit Us Anymore” Maryleah Otto
“My Body Belongs to Me” Paul Glickman
Recommended Books for Teaching Sexual
Education and Maturity Questions
“What’s the Big Secret? A Guide to Sex for Girls
and Boys” Laurie Krasny Brown
“How are Babies Made? Alastair Smith
“Where did I Come From?” Peter Mayle
“It’s So Amazing” A Book about Eggs, Sperm,
Birth, Babies and Families” Robbie Harris
“Changes in You and Me: A Book About Puberty
Mostly for Boys” Paulette Bourgeois and
Martin Wolfish
“The Teenage Guy’s Survival Guide” Jeremy Daldry.
“What’s Happening to My Body?” Lynda Madaras
“Period” Jo Ann Loulan
“The Period Book” Karen Gravelle
“Care and Keeping of You: Body Book for Girls”
American Girl
Other Resources:
STOP IT NOW!,
www.stopitnow.com, 651-644-8515
The Center for Child Abuse Prevention and
Treatment, http://www.mnpreventabuse.org , Libby
Bergman 612-827-3028
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Positive Discipline Options
According to
Mathew McKay, a psychologist who studied anger for
two years, there are several types of thoughts that
commonly trigger a parent’s anger:
-
Assumed intent.
“He’s deliberately trying to annoy me.” “He’s
defying me.” “How could he do that to me?!” You
feel like this is a personal attack and you take
it personally.
-
Magnification. I
also call this overgeneralization. “She never
listens to me.” “She always does this!” Look for
the words “never” and “always” in your thoughts!
They can really get you into trouble.
-
Labeling, or name
calling. “He’s so lazy.” “She’s so dumb.” “He’s
so bad.” These thoughts are going to lead you
down an angry path that prevents you from
looking just at the incident that’s in front of
you.
Start paying
attention to the thoughts that are getting you in
trouble when your child misbehaves. See if you’re
engaging in “negative self-talk” that raises your
anger and may lead to an angry exchange instead of a
positive discipline opportunity. If you’re having
the thoughts that McKay identified, replace them
with calming words. Repeating the calming words to
yourself will reduce your anger so you can think
rationally about the best discipline choice and
deliver the message in a way that your child will
hear you.
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Upcoming TeleClasses
Take these classes from
the comfort of home! You'll join other parents, via
telephone, for parenting tips and a lively
discussion all while sitting in your favorite
armchair! There's no need to waste time driving to
classes when you can participate from home or your
office in a 'teleclass.'
“Got Defiance? 19 Ways to Gain Compliance”
“My child doesn’t listen the first time that I ask”
is one of the most common parenting complaints. This
class offers 19 different options that parents can
use to derail their child’s defiance and get results
that lower their stress level. FREE, Friday, Nov. 17
at Noon Central Time (1 p.m. ET, 11 a.m. MT and 10
a.m. PT) a one-hour “webinar.” E-mail Toni at
toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com to register or
call her at 612-810-8687.
IN-PERSON CLASSES
"Children's Anger:
Triggers and Solutions for Coping" - Tues., Nov.
7, Noon, Dorsey and Whitney, Private Class.
“The 7 Worst Mistakes that Parents Make (And How
to Avoid Them!)" After working with hundreds of
families, Toni has taken the 7 Worst Mistakes that
parents unwittingly make and brought them to light.
Toni provides practical solutions that parents can
use immediately to correct these common errors and
bring greater joy to parenting. Wed., Nov. 8, Noon,
Working Family Resource Center, Degree of Honor
Building, Ste. 250, 325 Cedar St., St. Paul, MN, $6,
Call Michael to register at 651-293-5330.
"Children's Anger: Triggers and Solutions for
Coping-Part 1" - Mon., Nov. 13, Noon, Dorsey and
Whitney. Private Class.
"Relief for Homework Headaches" - Wed., Nov.
15, 10:30 a.m., RSM McGladrey, Bloomington, MN.
Private Webinar.
“Got Defiance? 19 Ways to Gain Compliance” -
Mon., Nov. 20, Noon, Webinar through Working Family
Resource Center. Call Michael to register at
651-293-5330.
"Children's Anger: Triggers and Solutions for
Coping-Part 2" - Mon., Nov. 13, Noon, Dorsey and
Whitney. Private Class.
"Children's Anger: Triggers and Solutions for
Coping" - Tues., Nov. 28, Noon, Securian
Financial, Private Class
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Parent-to-Parent
This is a place for
parents to exchange ideas. Would you like to get
ideas from other parents about a parenting concern?
Do you have good ideas that might help another
parent? Feel free to contribute!!
For Dec.: “I hope someone has suggestions on
how to curb “potty” talk.” I could use some ideas
that have worked.” D. H.
From Last Month: "My child has a case of the
‘gimmees’ when we go to the store. Any advice would
be appreciated." K.H.
Readers responded with these ideas:
No one responded to this inquiry, so I’ll share some
ideas with you that I found when researching a class
I do called “Teaching Your Child the Value of a
Buck.” First of all, it’s very important for a child
to have an allowance. It’s a great opportunity to
begin teaching your child to be responsible for
buying certain items, to delay gratification and to
use comparison shopping.
When you put your child in charge of buying “extras”
at the store, the onus is on the child. You can ask
him or her “Did you bring your allowance money?”
“How many allowances will it take to buy this item?”
“Would you like to work toward saving money to buy
this item?”
You can also set limits before you enter a store.
You can tell kids that you’ll spend 10 minutes just
looking in the toy department, but it they ask you
to buy something for them, they lose the privilege
of 10-minutes in the toy department next time.
Another good idea from “Family Fun” magazine (Oct.,
2000) was to develop a 7-1-1 house rule. The
requirement is that when a child wants to buy
something, s/he has to wait 7 days, think of one
alternative (ie. a less expensive brand) and ask one
other person if s/he thinks the purchase is a good
buy. Toni
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A Good Read
Each month a parent
provides a review of a parenting book they've
enjoyed. Please e-mail toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com
to share a good read with other parents.
“Parenting from the Inside Out” by Dr. Dan Siegel
“In his book "Parenting from the Inside Out", Dr.
Dan Siegel promotes the significance of parents
understanding their children from what I call a
'holistic' perspective. This involves parents’
awareness and understanding of the different
components that contribute to the development of
their child's personality. Because of this, he talks
about such things as genetics, temperament and
physical health, all of which impact the child's
interpersonal and other behaviors, helping parents
to understand how each of these plays a role. Often
parents forget about the 'physiology' behind
children's personalities. Dr. Siegel does a unique
job of having a discussion of these things in a way
that is easily understood, and in a way that
parent's can see the relevance.
Additionally, he encourages parents to understand
their own childhood experiences, and suggests, and I
agree, that those experiences impact how we parent.
He does this by helping parents draw connections
between early life experiences and caretaker
attachments and their parenting style. When parents
make sense of their childhood attachments, they are
likely not to recreate the potentially negative
interactions with their own children.” Donna
Cornelius
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"Free" Time!
What does your family
do for fun that doesn’t cost a lot of money? Please
share your ideas.
“This is a good
suggestion for this time of the year. We sometimes
visit a toy store that has sample and demo toys
(train tables, etc.). My favorite places to go for
free time fun are Creative Kidstuff and Toys R Us.
Start with the rule that you're not there to buy
anything. In anticipation of the holidays, give each
of the kids a pencil and notepad. They write down
what they like (no vetoes from mom), including
price. There are so many opportunities for lessons
here. It's a wish list for Santa, grandparents,
birthdays, anything. And, with actually trying
things, you get a feel for the durability and
versatility of a toy. My kids sometimes come to
their own conclusions that a toy is "junky" and
wouldn't last. I’m sometimes surprised to find what
my kids like to play with and sometimes I'm very off
in predicting what they'll like.” Kari
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Toni Schutta, Publisher, Families First Coaching Newsletter
Toni Schutta is a Parent Coach with a Master's
Degree in Psychology and 12 years experience working
with children and families. She's also the mother of
two wonderful children, a Licensed Psychologist, a
certified graduate of the Mentor Coach Foundations
Program and a member of the International Coach
Federation.
Families First Coaching
is an organization devoted to building strong
families by empowering parents with practical
information, easy-to-use tools and helpful resources
that will help you be the best parent possible.
Individual parent coaching sessions are available
along with parent-to-parent support groups and
parent education classes. Check out the website at
http://www.familiesfirstcoaching.com for a
complete list of services. |
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