The Secret to Being Consistent in Your Discipline

Why is it so hard for parents to be consistent?

Many factors come into play when you discipline your children. How tired are you?! How persistent is your child? How were you disciplined? What kind of parenting style do you have? Does the other parent agree with you on discipline methods and follow-through? You hate being the “heavy”…

One secret that can be highly effective in overcoming these obstacles is to develop Family Rules and Consequences. If there’s just one thing you do to improve your discipline practices, I would recommend this! Follow these step-by-step directions.

How To Develop Family Rules and Consequences

Step #1 - Have a meeting with your spouse/partner/other parent. The two of you should sit down and talk about the rules that are most important to you. I recommend no more than 3 house rules for pre-schoolers and 4-5 house rules for kids 6+. (If you’re a single parent, meet with yourself!)

Step #2 - Brainstorm ideas for consequences that are appropriate for the “crime.”

Step #3 - Sit down with your family (even kids as young as 3 can participate) at a calm, quiet time and ask them their opinion. A question like this can get the ball rolling. “What rules do you think are important to have in our family so that no one’s body or feelings get hurt?”

Step # 4 - Write down the rules that everyone suggests. Make sure that the rules that you identified in Step #1 are included on the list. Use the words that your children are providing so the rules are kid-friendly.

Step #5 - Refine the rules so they are clear and specific. i.e. “Be respectful” is vague. “No name calling” is clear.

Step #6 - Next, you want to get everyone’s input on appropriate consequences for breaking a rule.

Step #7 - Finalize the rules and consequences if they are close to the rules that both parents agreed upon in #1. If not, the parents should meet privately to hash out the differences.

Step #8 - Write the rules down, meet again as a family and review the rules. Have everyone sign it which means they agree to abide by the family rules. Then post the rules in a prominent place.

Step #9 - Refer to the rules when disciplining your child and enforce the agreed upon consequence.

How can this process help you to be a better parent and be more consistent?

• As parents you’ve taken the time to discuss what rules are most important to you (which many of us never sit down to do!).

• You’ve reached a consensus within the family about what rules are most important to you.

• The rules are crystal clear.

• It takes the mystery out of what will happen when a rule is broken.

• You and the other parent will enforce the same consequence for the same offense building in consistency.

• When you’re tired, you can simply look at the chart to remember the consequence.

• The consequence is more likely to be a logical one if you’ve provided forethought on the behavior.

The consequences of being inconsistent in discipline are actually quite grave (1):

• Children learn they can’t trust you.

• Children lose respect for you.

• Children have a false sense of empowerment. They believe that they’re in charge, yet adults need to be the leaders.

• Children believe that they’re the center of the universe.

• Children learn they don’t need to follow the rules.

• Children learn that they don’t need to meet standards.

• Children don’t learn self-control.

• Children learn that “My parent in not reliable.”

• Children learn that they’re not competent.

• Children learn that life is not predictable.

• Children feel less safe and secure.

Research shows that children who grow up with inadequate and inconsistent discipline, have higher rates of depression, obesity and financial debt, too.

Take the time to develop family rules and consequences now. It’s a valuable step to being a better parent! Be sure to join me for the “Create a Discipline Plan that Works” teleclass on Nov. 28 and Dec. 5.

Who: Parents who want to consistently discipline their children with positive and effective discipline strategies.

What: “Create a Discipline Plan that Works” class. Two one-hour telephone classes where you’ll learn 10 positive discipline methods and develop a personalized plan for your family.

Where: Call in from home or work for this “teleclass.”

When: Wed., Nov. 28, Noon- 1 p.m. CT (1-2 p.m. ET) and Wed., Dec. 5, Noon- 1 p.m. CT (1-2 p.m. ET)

Cost: $40. Includes two one-hour classes, 10 discipline ideas, a 20-page guide and a personalized discipline plan.

How: Call Toni now at 612-810-8687 or email her at toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com to reserve your spot!

(1. Research data from: “How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children,” Jean Illsley Clarke, Ph.D, Connie Dawson, Ph.D. and David Bredehoft, Ph.D.)

 

A Good Read

Each month a parent provides a review of a parenting book they've enjoyed. Please e-mail toni@familiesfirstcoaching.com to share a good read with other parents.

“Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility” by Foster Cline

“This book was very informative and a light bulb went on for me. What really hit home was that I should separate myself from my kids. Their problems are their problems, not mine. Their emotions are their emotions, not mine. I had thought that nurturing meant doing things for my kids and providing them with answers. But, my job is NOT to provide them with all the answers but to encourage them to find their own!

It’s a very parent-friendly book. The sections are fairly short and even if you just have 5 minutes, you can pick up a tip.

I liked that the tips are useable, common tips rather than theory. The second half is all examples. Near the example it says “What should you do about this?” and then gives words to use in that situation. The examples are more for the pre-school set, but you can use the strategies for any age child.

I think this book is great!” Chris N.

 

"Free" Time!

What does your family do for fun that doesn’t cost a lot of money? Please share your ideas.

Make Presents!

Many cultures celebrate holidays in December, so plan ahead now and have your kids make small holiday presents before the craziness sets in. I’ve found www.orientaltrading.com a fun place to find inexpensive gifts to make. Toni

Toni Schutta, Publisher, Families First Coaching Newsletter

Toni Schutta is a Parent Coach with a Master's Degree in Psychology and 13 years experience working with children and families. She's also the mother of two wonderful children, a Licensed Psychologist, a certified graduate of the Mentor Coach Foundations Program and a member of the International Coach Federation.

Families First Coaching is an organization devoted to building strong families by empowering parents with practical information, easy-to-use tools and helpful resources that will help you be the best parent possible. Individual parent coaching sessions are available along with parent-to-parent support groups and parent education classes. Check out the websites at http://www.familiesfirstcoaching.com  and http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com for a complete list of services.